Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML
Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML
Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML
Today, I had to babysit a 9 year-old girl. I hadn't slept for almost 40 hours and fell half-asleep while sitting on her couch for two minutes. She asked me something, but I thought it was a dream and answered with, "Your mom's a hoe." When I woke up, I realized I'd said it out loud instead of in my head. FML
Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML
Today, I let my brother babysit my 6-year-old daughter. She learned 2 new words from him. One of them was "Hail" and the other one was "Satan". FML
Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML
Today, we've been dating for over three months, but I went over my girlfriend's house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML
Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago, my four year-old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
mfranks19891989 10
Just explain the auto correct she will understand. Not sure what your relationship was before you date. But isn’t 4 months a little soon to be letting someone your dating into your child(s) life
distortedcognition 17
Is her pet name for you now “my little pedo bear”?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (12)
distortedcognition 17
Is her pet name for you now “my little pedo bear”?
whyme203 15
I mean better word or phrasing could have prevented this. Study a thesaurus
MidnaLink 35
Better word? Ornery is a good word, it just wasn’t used enough for auto correct. But at least now there’s a good reason to turn it off.
Richard Luna 1
Ok so it was a mistake tell her to chill
RichardPencil 32
Luckily you didn't say you were busy "ducking her sass." Autocorrect would send you to prison!!!
mfranks19891989 10
Just explain the auto correct she will understand. Not sure what your relationship was before you date. But isn’t 4 months a little soon to be letting someone your dating into your child(s) life
timinator5000 28
No kidding!!! No way in hell would I let someone I'm dating watch my kid.
julfunky 29
That’s a bit judgmental. Everyone has different speeds. There is no “right” amount of time you need to know someone. And just because she’s been his girlfriend for 4 months that doesn’t mean she’s only known him for 4 months.
Paul Rushing 21
While those two words sound similar your phone wouldn’t autocorrect that...fake FML?!?
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Oh right, like she's never made a typo in a text or been the victim of auto correct. She needs to lighten up and laugh at the accident.
WistayShlaio82 13
Hate it phones do that. I think autocorrect should be a manual request thing.