Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML
Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML
Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML
Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary was closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now every time I pee, it not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom. FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML
Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML
Today, I'm in hospital. During date night, after sex was over, I reached for my whiskey. I was already so drunk, I accidentally picked up the lit candle which was in a glass roughly the same size as my whiskey glass, and poured melted wax in my mouth, up my nose, and in my eyes. FML
Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML
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Top comments
scrappy23 4
At least you have a germ free dick.
dijafe27 6
I thought you were gonna say you contracted herpes . So LUCKY you ! ^.^
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Comments (118)
Kyouzou 15
Always look at the upside, your dick can now kill 99.9% of all bacteria.
SenselessPattern 12
So close, yet so far. 2 people beat ya, but commendable attempt.
Warmonger_Smurf 29
Safe sex. You're doing it wrong!
greeneyebeauty9 28
well that blows.
bioboy725 10
Well let's hope SHE didn't.
madgrinchhatter 12
Would love to know OP's gender on this one
TheFirstSamurai 18
I guess you could say OP was engaging in some good clean fun.
Enslaved 38
"Don't use lube, use spit" -Jenna Jameson
funky2525 14
Well, at least you're clean! That would hurt... A lot! But, you're clean
asdfghjklana 9
Imagine how the girl you had sex with feels
raraisbang 12
What if OP is the girl?
thrAsHeRr9081 16
Then it would still be a FML. Who cares?
sugoine 12
Dumbass
gracehi 33
Gender! Why, oh why couldn't you indicate your gender! WE MUST KNOW!!!
TellMeWhatsDeath 14
safe and clean(;
TellMeWhatsDeath 14
29-that wasn't meant to be a reply to you..WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS!