Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML
Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML
Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML
Today, my daughter expressed wanting to lose weight so I took her to a licensed dietician nutritionist to get her a healthy eating plan, and even made her an appointment with a personal trainer to get her on track. I walked in on her eating a whole box of laxatives, because "this way is faster." FML
Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML
Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML
Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML
Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML
Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML
Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML
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Top comments
thats_my_job 11
You couldn't stop your child? I'd never let my daughter take any sort of candy from a stranger. I would have said no, given a reason and distracted my daughter with something else.
chubbybunny963 7
Sounds like a shitty situ- *gets shot*
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Comments (107)
bigbadtim 7
Chocolate ex-lax: the gift that keeps on giving.
equin0xx 6
Ok assholes, bring out the shit puns... -___-
Warmonger_Smurf 29
Well he's in deep shit.
lilhellian 27
*Twirls knife* This totally does not.. >.> Never encourage it..
lilhellian 27
Does not help*
equin0xx 6
Ahh! Don't kill me please... it was ment as sarcasm but people obviously didnt get it.
lilhellian 27
You shall live. Raise your kid well.
ICastillo 25
Ok #20 you asked....I bet the kid was in for a real * looks around*......shit storm. * runs away and hides*
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Look out, there's a homicidal puppy on the loose!
lilhellian 27
I shall strike when you least expect it *maniacal laugh*
equin0xx 6
93- I will. There shall never be any fml's of mine regarding him.
lilhellian 27
Very well 151, do your best.
ICastillo 25
*From hiding spot* pssst #151 is the little homicidal puppy gone? Can I come out now?
equin0xx 6
Nah bro. Run like hell.
lilhellian 27
*adjusts scope and waits for this lil rabbit to poke his head up*
ICastillo 25
*still hiding* How can a little dog be so evil? You weren't loved as a puppy were you? Stop being mean you little Shit-zu.
lilhellian 27
It's my duty. *throws a nade in your direction* And I am a pomeranian. I would comment on your mother but she is sacred in india. >.>
ICastillo 25
Nevermind
GothickNihilist 15
That is a perfect example of why you should never take food from random strangers.
laurencheese 7
Control your kid!
mercsl65 7
I'm not sure I've ever had my 4 year old successfully push me out of the way of anything. I think your laissez fair take on raising children needs a little attention.
photoquilty 6
How does that happen? I'm so confused.
photoquilty 6
How does that happen? I'm so confused.
ks23 9
Time to teach your child not to take candy from strangers
juturnaamo 29
I'm sure she's learned that now.
empath 20
Children have a strange way if letting parents know what they need whether they mean to or not.. Take this as a sign from your daughter that she needs you to start parenting, and potty training her..
lilhellian 27
Did you even learn how to read?
Twisted_Angel 17
so, what you're saying is, your daughter takes candy from strangers? does she also get into vans to "help look for a puppy"? you better nip that now. this time she's got the *****, next time it could be worse. YDI for not teaching your daughter better.