Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started wanking. FML

Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of days. She knows that I'm a tea drinker and asked me for a tea bag. While conversing with her, I handed her one and left. I then later realized that I gave her a condom. FML

Cheers, asshat

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

Today, as I was cashing a customer out, he stopped me in the middle of the transaction just to tell me that the condoms he was buying are too big for him. FML