Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML
Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML
Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
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Top comments
uoeno_fml 20
You should ****** him harder
Larry01_fml 19
sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want
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Comments (85)
Braveltoaster 6
Man I use penis as a verb pretty much constantly. I penis, you penis, he/she/it penises, we penis, you(pl) penis, they penis. Infinitive: to penis. Past tense: penised.
N3766 20
very A+ penis, so penis....
protoasha 11
I penis, you penis, he, she, we penis, penising, penisology, the study of penis...come on Spongebob, this is first grade!
trsshup 8
I penis this so much!
whaime 10
Sorry OP, but I can't stop laughing now.
worldclassrager 41
I don't think he knows how to foreplay...help him out a bit...
Echoa21 18
He may not know how to foreplay but he does know how to penis
krtrupp 7
Oh the poor guy.... You need to help him out on this one, OP. This really has me giggling.
nismo98 14
better term cakk...I'm going to cakk you so hard aha.
BanAnnalee 12
Did you end up ******-ing him?
happygolucky2178 5
Maybe he was trying to say he was going to give you the big D and it came out wrong. Poor guy. At least he tried!
sickerthanyou 13
If that is his idea of foreplay, you should show him that your idea of sex doesn't involve him but a battery operated toy, he can watch thou.
breakinlegs 19
Watch some **** together, that will help him get his head in the game!
KushCrushin89 10
Is "game" some sort of euphemism for ****** here? If so, that's a win.
DanielleinDC 34
Yeah, because **** is incredibly realistic. Come on, there are better ways to help a man develop his skills than watching ****.
chocolatefrog28 29
I'd say respond in kind with something like "Oh baby, I'm gonna twat you so hard," but that might work even still. Time to lead by example, OP, give some quality to get a little back!