Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML
Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML
Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
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Top comments
uoeno_fml 20
You should ****** him harder
Larry01_fml 19
sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want
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Comments (85)
tehman117 21
I'm going with probably not.
\ 28
Greetings. This is Commander Shepherd speaking. I have Mass Erect for you.
Axel5238 29
Sorry to hear that OP. There are a lot of guys that think crap like this is a turn on. While it is for some and they find it funny fine, but there are a lot that don't and they gotta adjust. Either that or he doesn't care.
skatergal99 17
Omfg this just made my day
Ambient25 25
"We'll bang ok?"
Tannasgh 22
I can only imagine that... 1. You didn't have pre-marital sex and find this out before. 2. You did have pre-marital sex and this didn't seem to matter before. Either way you got here, you are here now. Perhaps a couples sex counseling will help. The rest of your life is long time without someone who is willing to warm things up first.
murdersquirrel 15
uh, they probably just need to discuss how to dirty talk...dunno if this warrants sex counseling. it's just awkward, not harmful.
Powerage66 16
Sorry OP. I was laughing too hard after reading this.
SasquatchDeluxe 10
You need to find some guy on the side who will penis you more gently.
Ihavegas 22
he needs instructions, get a ron Jeremy movie.
australia32 1
You married him, surely you knew he was bad in bed before you committed. It would have been a deal breaker for me.
Tbj4247 8
Surely what he says doesn't mean he is bad in bed. Just doesn't know how to talk dirty.