Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, I ate dinner sitting on the floor. My petty roommate got pissed off during the weekend and decided the appropriate action would be to lock all the furniture in her room and refuse to give it back. FML
Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML
Today, for the third time in less than a week, my dumbass roommate has a bunch of friends over. None of them are wearing masks and I don't feel comfortable leaving my room. I'm fucking starving and can't go to the kitchen to get food. The idiot is a fucking nursing major. FML
Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my food. Now I'm starving and the place smells like delicious bacon. FML
Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML
Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML
Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic so to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her. Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML
Today, my mom tried to ground me. In the apartment that I own. Because I didn't eat enough of the dinner that I'd made. FML
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Top comments
Pentium_4 27
ahhh of course. i'll bet their goal is to do it in every room in the house, so eventually they're going to do it in your bed while you're gone!
yahoowizard 16
Order pizza, get the camera ready, then wait for the delivery guy to get there. And then profit.
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Comments (157)
perdix 31
Since you are eating crackers, you ought to go do it in their underused beds. Let them know that their kitchen sex was a pretty "crumby" thing to do to you.
phantumgrey 6
Wow I'd totally go watch
immaMonsta 8
You can't have a proper dinner at all tonight? Why don't you wait until they're done? Unless they're like sex guru's and go non-stop literally all night long.
Juice_Man 0
Go join in ;)
lauraaaaaa_fml 7
If they're going to have sex on the kitchen table, you should eat dinner in their bedroom. That'd get your point across.
sillysaxon 0
Just make food and eat, stare at them while doing so, they'll leave unless they're kinky like that
eddyg94 11
if you can't get to the table, you should just eat directly off them.
Okayitwasme 0
What is wrong with you? Go down there pop some popcorn get a chair and watch! They don't care about privacy why should you. Besides if you watch, you will know where to spray the sanitizer!
rillastyle 1
You keep saltines in your room???
angel948 9
That's when you go downstairs and make the most yummy dinner ever. Sit down at the table and eat. As awkward as it may be, they'll never do it there again. You just need a strong stomach~