Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML
Today, I was taking advantage of an empty house to try and re-spark my sex drive. Despite my best efforts, I got bored and started watching something else, but when my housemate returned suddenly, I panicked - gave a guilty shout and fumbled my dick away as I changed the monitor over - back to porn. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML
Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML
Today, my mom came in my bedroom without knocking, even though I'd told her to, and caught me masturbating. She stood there in awkward silence before saying, "…Dinner's ready at 6." and left. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML
Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML
Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate mid-wank because I didn’t knock before opening the door. Why was he in my room and using my computer? FML
Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 41
Spotted dick, obviously.
MCart_fml 0
Hahaha cool roommate!
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Comments (59)
MCart_fml 0
Hahaha cool roommate!
crudeandrudeguy 29
I'm sorry but if you whack off in the common room you totally deserve it, go to your bedroom you freak. Lol
tsunami2_us 0
You should call me and we will show your roomie exactly what we are serving for dinner
keirookami 11
bowl of milky goodness?
Hey_Darl 0
Hey, can't blame him for being more hungry then freaked out! By standards, he was asking and serious question... I wonder if he answered him haha
redbluegreen 41
Spotted dick, obviously.
meatmaeta 21
The fish's name is Slippery Dick.
teentee401 37
There's also a dessert called spotted dick, 55
rachelthelime_fml 29
Of course spotted dick is a pudding, so it'd be AFTER dinner. They're having bratwurst first xD
Miss_Whipped 43
But he also SPOTTED a dick too. Makes the pun even better.
andrewx10 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I no what he wants for dinner ;)
capslockisgood 19
Too far
volleyball16 0
Hey you don't have to put lotion on it by yourself... I'll help you. ;)
anoellem 1
****
katie345 1
*****...
Tessy7 9
What?
CassandraBear93 0
haha wow, I think it's common courtesy to walk out and let you finish your business... domn what is the world coming too
CassandraBear93 0
doesn't he know that is's common courtesy to walk out and let you finish your business ..DAMN what is this world coming to?
LunaBlack666 23
how about its common courtesy to do that kind of thing in your own bedroom? Not in the living room on the couch where anyone could walk in on you? it's OP's own fault.
CruelSirDrum 0
1. lock the door next time 2.he learns to knock and you get embarrassed. 3.put a tie on the door and say you are busy with a women and 4.bummer
sw95volleyball 0
thats why they created locks for doors.... and girls
jahwn 12
If it's his roommate he would have a key, he probably just didn't knock.