Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
Today, my husband's five days of constipation came to an abrupt end when he woke up, farted, tried to dash to the bathroom but didn’t make it in time. He then proceeded to drop a log on the hallway carpet over a foot long, as thick as a can of Lynx antiperspirant. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my husband and I shared a chinese prawn dinner. I now have the most violent shits I’ve ever experienced in my life. He is completely fine and keeps rubbing it in my face by being able to eat his meals without throwing them up. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
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Top comments
snafu57 1
tell him to shit two bowling balls and then come back and report
shenanighenz 0
Sometimes when I get really gassy and take a bad poop it gives me flashbacks to giving birth. So I don't think he's that far off.
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Comments (186)
46plus0 0
Men will probably never understand the process of giving birth. However, like andydawg said, pain is relative.
deathmajestic 0
i heard the pain was equilavent to stretching the scrotem over your head
Howdyplz 2
That's the bottom lip, not the SCROTUM/scrotem (for those of you who can't spell). The pain is said to be equivalent to stretching the bottom lip over your head. Not the scrotum. Jeezus, how would that even happen? (not to say the lip stretching is likely either)
ozymandias_fml 0
Well, he is wrong. What *you* did was completely optional. His wasn't, at least, not without major surgery that was likely not covered by insurance.
capthavoc123 0
I would point out that is not an FML because what your husband said does not affect you in any way, but I just don't care anymore.
LilaBear 2
it shows that he's insensitive towards her and what she went through.
Squander 3
I think it's less FYL and more F-Your Husband's life, because if him pooping hurt like giving birth, it must have been a very, very painful bowel movement.
Serlenia 3
Well, I'm also sure he was exaggerating because I'm sure his shit didn't weigh around at least 7 pounds. Therefore couldn't be that painful, I'm sure it was but not to the extend of giving birth. It was probably the only most painful thing he could think of at the time and therefore said it.
tinacross 0
******* ASSHOLE! obviously he doesnt have the slightest clue on how giving birth feels giving birth to TWINS hurts MORE tha having his balls cut off and having his penis drained without any pain killers and then having to stick the ball back up
ozymandias_fml 0
How about "no"?
cucuto89 0
your retarded tina.
Nakedsquirrel 5
How do you know the kids aren't pieces of shit? Little ***** certainly exist in abundance. He could be an honest man.
ginger_ahoy 0
My twin brother compares getting kicked in the balls to giving birth regularly. I once pointed out to him that our tall but very slight mother carried both of us (and we were large babies) plus excess water for nine months to the point where she had to have iron injections and then, after all of that, had to do the equivalent of squeezing an elephant through a straw. Twice. That shut him up. FYL, OP. Your husband hasn't realised that he has no pain barrier and that trying to measure pain he'll never feel is epic fail.
boatkicker 5
Elephant through a straw? Never heard it that way before. Have heard various things out the nostril though. Either way, giving birth is supposed to be one of the most painful things women experience. Being kicked in the balls is supposed to be the most painful for men. Doesn't matter if the pain is equivalent. There isn't really a way for the average person to compare, but they're both at the top of the list.
boatkicker 5
No, you can't say that, because neither you, nor I, nor anyone else here, has ever, or could ever, know what both feel like. They may or may not be equal, and to be honest, it doesnt particularly matter. You can't explain a feeling like those to someone else, so you just go with 'top of the list is top of the list' and that's it.
DragonMasterMF 0
You know thats retarded, getting kicked in the balls for that long, sheesh. You see the difference is. Once a man gets kicked in the balls...it hurts so much he never wants it to happen again. A woman gives birth... all of a sudden a couple of years later she wants to go through it all again. WHICH ONE IS MORE PAINFUL REALLY? Okay but on a more serious note. Getting kicked in the balls probably is the most painful in measured in pain at the highest point. But giving birth lasts for a very long time and its painful for ages. Not really comparable though is it. Its not like people go through both and like can tell everyone which hurts more.
LaLaJoy 2
Umm, that's because having a baby is actually rewarding. It doesn't mean that childbirth is less painful because some women choose to have multiple children. Getting kicked in the balls doesn't produce a child. No one wants to go through physical pain for no reason.
shortmomma88 0
what an asshat!
StaticDown 0
If he extends his pain for a few more hours (my sisters labor was a few hours) then he might be close.
giantrobott 0
I think you should get all of your friends together and throw him a shower. They can bring TP, Preparation H, Matches. You'll have a grand ol' time.
LadyDraigen 3
Dude, that is ******* funny. I like that...