Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
Today, my husband's five days of constipation came to an abrupt end when he woke up, farted, tried to dash to the bathroom but didn’t make it in time. He then proceeded to drop a log on the hallway carpet over a foot long, as thick as a can of Lynx antiperspirant. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my husband and I shared a chinese prawn dinner. I now have the most violent shits I’ve ever experienced in my life. He is completely fine and keeps rubbing it in my face by being able to eat his meals without throwing them up. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
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Top comments
snafu57 1
tell him to shit two bowling balls and then come back and report
shenanighenz 0
Sometimes when I get really gassy and take a bad poop it gives me flashbacks to giving birth. So I don't think he's that far off.
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Comments (186)
icihappi 0
Off topic, but I saw on tv that this pregnant women got shot in the stomach and went into labor. Also I've heard then say your leg gets eaten off by a shark...you don't feel much of it because your legs gone(you still feel it but its sort of numb) So I have no idea if that made any sense. I've come to the conclusion. Each event is painful. There are some things husbands shouldn't compare pain to. Birth being one of them. Also it could be how people react to pain. Some deal with it well, others not so wel...
jmateo_95 0
YDI dumb bitch
somepartsareme 0
Ah, my apologies on that count. I just had a shitty day and felt like pwning someone. :P
quadracer111 0
wemon are ******* stupid. there are drugs so you don't feel anything while you are pushing a human being out of the place your husband (or stranger) stuck his wee wee in 9 months prior
LilaBear 2
you're a total douche. There are no drugs around that completely eliminate the pain of childbirth. They just make it a little less painful.
starsforbullets 0
117quadracer- You can't spell women, a word I think most of us learned in second grade. Don't start calling roughly 3.4 billion people stupid. OP- Maybe you should talk to your husband is you think he is disrespecting you. But if, in his mind, it was comparable to having twins, that was probably a pretty painful affair.
Serlenia 3
You call women stupid? And you can't even spell it, wow good way to state your opinion. Also maybe you should do a little research before you make a comment.
MermaidSongXOXO 6
I'm pretty sure transexuals are infertile, so they can't give birth. They could get kicked in the balls, though.
rooskieroo 0
hahahaha wemon* are stupid? learn how to spell before you insult people and no pain???? you're an idiot.. and OP how is this an FML???
stone_light 0
spelling/grammer correction comments are incredibly pointless former: typos are common, get used to them latter: its the ******* internet, I(ohh sorry i didn't use a ******* apostrophe)m soz tht u get butthurt 4 havn 2 read stuf ovr the webz. propr grammer isnt used ovr the webz. overly sensitive bitches
tacoman007 2
This is great. In an attempt to call someone an idiot for misspelling something, you yourself misspelled "women". I really think the comments on this are funnier than the actual story.
ChibiChibi_fml 28
The only other person I can see spelled it wrong spelled it the same way that the person who originally spelled it wrong spelled it. I think they did that to mock them not so much as to correct them. I am also pretty sure they were quoting.
me5 0
This is my University. Seriously, I don't go to wikipedia any more.
pwincessa23 1
Haha that's hilarious!