Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
Today, my husband's five days of constipation came to an abrupt end when he woke up, farted, tried to dash to the bathroom but didn’t make it in time. He then proceeded to drop a log on the hallway carpet over a foot long, as thick as a can of Lynx antiperspirant. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my husband and I shared a chinese prawn dinner. I now have the most violent shits I’ve ever experienced in my life. He is completely fine and keeps rubbing it in my face by being able to eat his meals without throwing them up. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
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Top comments
snafu57 1
tell him to shit two bowling balls and then come back and report
shenanighenz 0
Sometimes when I get really gassy and take a bad poop it gives me flashbacks to giving birth. So I don't think he's that far off.
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Comments (186)
rooskieroo 0
actually smartass...i was pointing out HOW he spelt it. i stand corrected though..i did put a star next to it..and that usually means that your spelling it correctly. women******** excuuuuse me.
jmateo_95 0
**** you ..... women ARE stupid guys only pretend to like en so that we can lick their pussys
rooskieroo 0
hey motherfuckers like you must lick alotta pussy becuase that's all your good for.
bethosu77 0
haha!! at #11 and well I can understand the hurting part...but it is NO where near it! trying having contractions for 16 hours! (which feels like a million daggers stabbing you) then giving birth to an 8lb baby through a hole that was originally 2 inches if that! did I mention it rips our skin down there and have to have stitches?? men will never know what giving birth feels like. it's unlike any other pain!!
bethosu77 0
can a guy experience the same intensity of pain as child birth? yes! for the same length of time? anywhere from a few hours to a few days of constant pain? probably not...but you never know!!
bethosu77 0
I too have heard that passing a kidney stone is the thing most comparable. because that too is constant horrible pain!
quizikall 0
shut up women's body are designed to have babies but no-one's body is designed to be constipated
portable_chicken 0
i seriously hope this is sarcastic.
rooskieroo 0
#129...i think it's funny how pissed off you got about that. seriously..you're talking shit on other people correcting eachother..and yet you're doing it yourself?? and i wouldn't have corrected him in the first place ...to be completely honest..if it weren't that he was talking shit on women..being STUPID..and didn't even spell it right. it was ironic and funny..and pointing it out...for me WAS necessary. but hey..opinions are like assholes. everyone has one, and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks.
bethosu77 0
133- you're stupid! shut the **** up!
Sanrio90 8
LOL your husband is hilarious. Lighten up.