Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML
Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor, even if you have a C-section. FML
Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML
Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML
Today, I found out that my breathing exercises I learned during pregnancy will not be for nothing after ending up having a C-section, because I'll apparently need them every time I relieve myself. FML
Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
The pain of an anal fissure is said to feel like ******** shards of glass. Sounds like the loudest screams will be coming from your bathroom rather than from your nursery.
tygerarmy 35
Between your bowel movements and not getting any sleep because of your newborn your life's going to be a pain in your ass.
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Comments (94)
bjoernabee 1
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Shit happens
43trauts 14
Yeah, a shitty situation if you ask me.
ilovesuju 10
No
NeatNit 33
YDI. Your doctor warned you, you have no excuse for not doing as he said.
lolfood 24
For the love of god, and everything that is holy, PLEASE stop the puns involving shit.
StoryOfTheYear 15
"Hi, I can make a bad pun that's been used at least a million times. Just watch me." Do people actually find shit jokes funny anymore? What's the thought process.
chowE_fml 4
Now OP knows what gay men go through
jizzwold 21
Shit jokes are funny but overused shit jokes are not.
MrBrightside21 20
Ha. That's so funny last time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur... ...And last time I heard that, I was watching Stepbrothers.
ajeppsen 25
27- I'm sorry but you cannot control natural things in other words when you need to go you need to go.
zebrapattern 6
have you heard of commas?
primadonna9396 16
THANK YOU. Ask anyone with Crohn's, colitis, IBS, some eating disorders, or even someone who uses opiates... Sometimes all the laxatives, suppositories or Kaopectate in the world can't exert control over your colon.
lonkite101 14
At least you'll have experience!
SqueakyChipmunk 22
There are somethings that you don't want to experience or need to experience. Like **********.
blcksocks 19
***********?
evilplatypus 39
No, 29 spelled it correctly.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Now what, Kitty? *does a dance* Chipmunk-1 Grammar Nazi-0
evilplatypus 39
37 - lol, you are weird (in a good way). As for the grammar nazi, I took a class on sexual deviance in pop culture, once. When we were studying Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid, the prof got so sick of everyone spelling "**********" incorrectly that she told us to remember this to help us: "Sex with animals is the BEST!" Also, I find it interesting that you're (incorrectly) correcting people when your profile implies you don't like grammar nazis.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
I love being weird. Normal is boring.
blcksocks 19
Damnit.. Does that mean I've been searching for **** by typing the wrong spelling this whole time? . . Even with the wrong spelling I get a million results. This kitten is not the only one that's messed up haha.
DocBastard 40
The pain of an anal fissure is said to feel like ******** shards of glass. Sounds like the loudest screams will be coming from your bathroom rather than from your nursery.
Pentium_4 27
R.I.P. OP's toilet
DoubleCross 9
Sure that'll make her feel so much better.
thatKidzmOm 10
She should've listened to her doctor. I feel sorry for her, but the truth is the truth. You have to take care of yourself as much as your new baby.
reddudeover 2
4 - Doc, whats worse an anal fissure or a recto-vaginal fistulae?
DocBastard 40
The fistula is much worse. Fissures usually heal without surgery, while R-V fistulae usually don't.
igive 29
what's a rectal fissure? im too scared to google it for fear of unforgettable images.
minisquid 9
It's exactly what you think it is.
TwitchingNebula 17
Don't look it up on wiki either then...
DocBastard 40
Igive - An anal fissure is a year of the skin surrounding the anus. It's thought to be caused by an overactive external anal sphincter, and it usually heals spontaneously if stool softeners and topical medicines are used. Occasionally Botox is used to relax the muscle and allow it to heal, and surgery is a measure of last resort.
plaguer 26
If OP's fissures aren't that bad, soaking in warm water in either Epsom salt or baby shampoo will help heal them faster. And they don't look that bad, just like small paper cuts.
NyappyCat 12
Despite the level of pain, I feel a YDI is in order due to not taking your doctors advice seriously. Especially after having a baby. Gotta take care of yourself for your familys' sake :)
Webslinger66 10
That's how I was born. ;)
hockeyoceancity 13
You piece of shit...
SqueakyChipmunk 22
...who punches women in the ******.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
To those who thumbed me down, take a gander at his pro pic. Horrors.
Webslinger66 10
Challenge completed
tygerarmy 35
Between your bowel movements and not getting any sleep because of your newborn your life's going to be a pain in your ass.
KMtheDrummer 6
I SEE WAT U DID THAR.
2oc 5
Well i should hope so.
tjv3 10
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
TMI LOL sorry that your life has gone to shit OP
Il_Maestro 6
Welcome to the Internet, where TMI means about as much to the world as "Aw it can't hurt that bad!" means to OP.
Roflsauruz 12
People have it worse, you know! Be lucky it's just that! :) TMI moment: I have IBS and I usually go through severe constipation for one to two weeks (no BM at all), followed by one to two weeks of diarrhea and/or painful (in my gut, I mean) BMs. I get anal fissures all the time - so much so that I CONSTANTLY have one that never heals. And yes, I have given birth, so I know what it feels like lol... A burning ass hole is nothing compared to childbirth! :P But anyway, good luck with that. Get a stool softener and don'tsweat it.
Calyx_fml 22
Yeah... That was definitely a TMI moment.
thiscrazything 1
Two weeks with no bm?? How can that be? I can't even imagine the pain involved.
UnluckyIrishKid 9
I have basically the same thing. Runs in my family. Sucks. Makes life extremely difficult too. Never know when you'll be able to go on a long car ride or watch a movie or even eat without pain in general. Although the pain may be due to my lack of a gallbladder. Not sure.
ShyAnn29 15
My colon shut down when I was 13, I went for maybe a week with no BM also, it hurt like hell! I now have an ileostomy.
therealslim 15
F all your lives ^
daniel9299 0
hi
shawnaishere 14
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Aww you had two children within a short period. It's like you had a similar experience to a woman who gave birth to twins
badmittonbeast22 4
It's easier to give birth to twins. The second one hardly hurts since the "pathway" is already open.
brittanykierra 9
She's right, I had twins and it's nothing. Then again I was so full of drugs and adrenaline anything would have been easy at the time. Lol
brittanykierra 9
^she is totally right. The second twin is nothing compared to the first. Anal fissure sound wayyyy worse than double childbirth.
Il_Maestro 6
52/53- It looks like you just agreed with yourself and my first thought was Multiple Personalities Disorder. Shut up, don't post that, it's rude! You don't know how many FMLers actually have that!
emeraldisle 30
That sounds beyond painful. I hope you're able to get it treated.
bonermonkey 31
you usually have to work them out yourself with stool softeners etc while they heal :( and hope you don't reopen it while its healing :s good luck OP! weetabix and plenty of fluids :P
CupAndSilverware 3
Maybe there was anal leakage, huh?