Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
Today, my husband's five days of constipation came to an abrupt end when he woke up, farted, tried to dash to the bathroom but didn’t make it in time. He then proceeded to drop a log on the hallway carpet over a foot long, as thick as a can of Lynx antiperspirant. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my husband and I shared a chinese prawn dinner. I now have the most violent shits I’ve ever experienced in my life. He is completely fine and keeps rubbing it in my face by being able to eat his meals without throwing them up. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
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Top comments
snafu57 1
tell him to shit two bowling balls and then come back and report
shenanighenz 0
Sometimes when I get really gassy and take a bad poop it gives me flashbacks to giving birth. So I don't think he's that far off.
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Comments (186)
CYNNER 0
almost there... i think i see it! its a boy!
snafu57 1
tell him to shit two bowling balls and then come back and report
CallMeHush 1
His touch hole spreads to the size of a babys head? The two of you must be up to some crazy shit that stretched out... Impressive.
fanficbug 1
No, it does not. A woman's ****** stretches out during childbirth. However (as has been mentioned above), in something like 80% of all vaginal births, the woman's ****** tears.
DragonFly_Jones 0
Lol!
razorp 0
it is the same
johnw11 0
Hes right shutup and make him a sandwhich
jinildsl 0
Was he constipated for nine months? : P
ColdGold 6
He didn't take a dump for nine months?
polico_wolf 0
Does a woman spend 9 months having a baby?
MarineCorpWife 0
I don't think anyone has taken a 7 pound crap. Can't see how they can compare the two.
boatkicker 5
Not just a single seven pound crap, but two of them.
lostfaithinpppl 19
You married a moron.
skyeyez9 25
If his turd was the circumference if a baby's skull, and his ass tore from the wide exit. Then and only then can he compare birth to ********.
deoxylophone 0
and if it took him 12 hours
Intoxicunt 6
12? Wow, my mom's labor (natural, the best way) was 48 hours. >_>
boatkicker 5
My mothers labor with me was no more than 8 hours. Cant remember what time she actually went into labor though. Around dinner time and I was born at 11:59. Her labor was even shorter than that with my next sister. Her third child was around maybe 14 hours or so though.
polico_wolf 0
bum > ****** womans vaginas dont split
altaira_fml 0
You've never heard of an episiotomy then.
boopityboppity 11
He must have eaten a rock or something like that...