Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML
Today, my husband's five days of constipation came to an abrupt end when he woke up, farted, tried to dash to the bathroom but didn’t make it in time. He then proceeded to drop a log on the hallway carpet over a foot long, as thick as a can of Lynx antiperspirant. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my husband and I shared a chinese prawn dinner. I now have the most violent shits I’ve ever experienced in my life. He is completely fine and keeps rubbing it in my face by being able to eat his meals without throwing them up. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
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Top comments
snafu57 1
tell him to shit two bowling balls and then come back and report
shenanighenz 0
Sometimes when I get really gassy and take a bad poop it gives me flashbacks to giving birth. So I don't think he's that far off.
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Comments (186)
Romaine_fml 0
How do you know it's not?
LilaBear 2
the people saying "how do you know it's not?" or "you don't know how he felt" are complete airheads. Think about this.. 1) A constipated dump might take twenty minutes. Labour generally takes 10 - 24 hours. 2) A baby's body is significantly less squishable than a faeces, constipated or not. 3) A baby's head is significantly larger across/around than a faeces, constipated or not.
LilaBear 2
PS. I know that some labours take less than 10 hours and that many take more than 24 hours... I was just giving a general time range.
psychoxxxinvader 3
Not that I would know about childbirth because I never got pregnant, but pushing something head first out of our tiny holes must hurt like a mother ******.... It is likely the most pain a woman can experience in her life.
Pearljammer001 0
wtf^^^?! anyway my mom was only in labor with my sister for three hours but still don't some take up to like 36 when the womans pelvis is too small or something
pwnageberry 0
disturbedfan, don't blame it on ADHD, it doesn't mean what you said was involuntary or anything like that...PS I'm sure that normally ur a nice guy
JonsefMobuto 0
Marrige is never sexy.
LaLaJoy 2
What does it matter that he's 15? I don't see how that's at all relevant.
barryman 0
you must be black.
LadyDraigen 3
trannys can't, but a very special hermaphrodite might.
LadyDraigen 3
OP, the man is an ass. Do like giantrobots said and throw him a party. It might shame him into having some sense.