Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML
Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML
Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML
Today, my wife and I were getting intimate in the morning. First time in forever. Things were just starting to get steamy when our 10-month-old daughter woke up. FML
Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to wish us a happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us again and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML
Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. His mom didn’t know much about it, and she walked in on us. After about 5 minutes she came back up, threw a box of condoms at us, says, "Continue" and walked out. We were still fucking while she was in the room. FML
Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
masterblaster39 0
according to my wife.....******** only take 4 minutes!
swaggintothamax 0
15 is a wayy too long. I'd be bored by then
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (88)
masterblaster39 0
according to my wife.....******** only take 4 minutes!
ImaginaryFoe 1
The first time you have sex after the baby should be about her! Blow jobs on demand are for the last month of pregancy. (And either your wife is damned lazy or damned good because I can't make it happen in less than 15 minimum!)
swaggintothamax 0
15 is a wayy too long. I'd be bored by then
22cute 17
I love you #65! Op, don't waste time laying down in bed next time! Do it on the kitchen table & for Gods sake don't answer the phone!!! Priorities!
willou35_fml 13
haha
enormouselephant 15
No, no, no 65, he said GETTING A *******, not masturbating to the thought of one. I see where you got that confused.
vikingchick 22
I wish it was that quick for my bf!
vgmaster 0
3rd
Sirin_fml 47
"Lay" is to put something down, while "lie" is to put yourself down! ;)
kelleyb323 0
gasp! you had a spelling error! you should have wrote change not changed
srammer99 0
snikkerdoodles u are unattractive
commotiion 0
omg you got gotted
deathcab7 0
isnt five minutes just enough time for a quickie?
DonkeyDelight 0
@Sirin Did you know there's an evil alien monster trying to take over the world in mass effect called Sarin? (With the Geth)
DonkeyDelight 0
Why's my comment in the wrong place? Strange.
makeba 0
written, not wrote.
SuiGeneris01 2
I hate it when people visit and don't even ask if they can
ZleveL 0
lol is that from the other fml?
boots9491 0
lol k like two people support your snotty comments while the rest hate you. I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole
boots9491 0
that comment was for snickers I don't know why it went under this one
boots9491 0
k so still the ratio is about 1 out of every 500 like you. I bet you did your hair and makeup just for your fml picture lmao! no life
boots9491 0
lol what are you calling well! haha you look like crap. There is only one good place for fingers and that in the kitchen
TahoeFMler 22
Wow! Leave the girl alone! She's allowed to share her opinion, I thought that was the point of FML?! At least she's brave enough to have a pic on her profile!
suppressed08 2
want her to lick your boots aswell? oh wait, this isn't the 1800's *climbs back into tardis* .....
ImaginaryFoe 1
I agree with #5! It's so rude when people just drop in, especially when you have a new baby. My in-laws did that all the time right after the baby was born. They inevitably came whenever I wanted to sleep and I would have to sit up and entertain them while praying the baby would still be asleep after they left.
Monikabug 9
boots, back off of Snick. If you don't like her, don't read her comments. It is as simple as that. Why is it that she can not comment on a single post without someone trying to be all high and mighty and attack whatever he says?! Grow up, bashers. News flash: Bashing people you do not know on the Internet does NOT make you cool.
boots9491 0
:) thanks for proving my point that snickers needs to grow up because she is constantly bashing people. I love my life
boots9491 0
oh and doddypops what's your definition of badass. Because I sure wasn't acting badass I think you were just trying to think of something to put me down and said what all haters say on the Internet when they have nothing else to say. They either say your immature grow up or your trying to be badass lmao
suppressed08 2
........you know that thing about licking boots I said.....it was a pun, you know, with his username...... but yeah, bash who you want I guess, only the smart shall stay supreme
andruha1123 5
I like snicker doodles :D
suppressed08 2
Snickerdoodles: Saving the grammar of the internet, one drunken fool at a time.
MF12 0
hey I support snickerdoodles and I know a lot of others do too
kelleyb323 0
@69 News Flash: Sticking up for people you don't know on the Internet does NOT make you cool.
shivam1212 0
cool
TrollGrammarNazi 0
hi I'm ... $/$27:)-'uwnzjqjebskwvsja$/)7271
caits13 0
haha silly ol grandmas.
bobman555 0
I would have been mom i am in hawaii im not home
garuru 4
you can still have sex. you would have 3 minutes to get ready
SixthStreet 0
that's enough time
bobman555 0
Honstly sniker can you shut the hell up every FML you are the first to post saying somethinh about grammer. Sheesh noone cares but you.
MadaZer0 8
I agree with MadaZer0... Go suck on some shit and don't stop. Make sure there's a lot of it too you ******* munchlax!
manslayerbob 0
bobman555 FTW
Beli_fml 0
nerdddd snickerdoodle is funny. bahaha
jake_fml 0
manslayerbob committed on bobman....
mexicantumblewee 0
I agree with bobman.
liljeron 0
I 100%agree with you