Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
Today, my girlfriend's needy five year-old tried to swing on my arm while I was cutting celery. I needed seven stitches. Later, my girlfriend complained that I should have cleaned up the blood because she's squeamish, and that I upset her son by yelling and cussing in pain. FML
Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by cooking dinner. As I was chopping onions, I cut my finger and started bleeding everywhere. She walked in, saw the blood on the onions, and almost passed out. FML
Today, I came home to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair a ridiculous bright color. She knows I absolutely fucking despise brightly colored hair on women. FML
Today, I went to the farm my girlfriend's parents live on. She was showing me around the barn when she picked up a tool and said, "We used this to castrate the goats… and I'll use it on you if you piss me off." FML
Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
zebraumicornz 6
Doesn't that juice stain! I would get some stain remover if I was you...
lolmigosh 15
I would keep my eye on her if I were you.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (122)
Samanthawk 8
I hope you don't fit the code.... Oh wait! Dex killed Hannah's dad and doesn't have to stick to the code any more. Your shit out of luck buddy.
enderless 6
wimp
jrn 14
It's a blood orange
NostalgiaFreak9 43
Sounds like you should tread lightly- oops, wrong show.