Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
Today, my girlfriend's needy five year-old tried to swing on my arm while I was cutting celery. I needed seven stitches. Later, my girlfriend complained that I should have cleaned up the blood because she's squeamish, and that I upset her son by yelling and cussing in pain. FML
Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by cooking dinner. As I was chopping onions, I cut my finger and started bleeding everywhere. She walked in, saw the blood on the onions, and almost passed out. FML
Today, I came home to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair a ridiculous bright color. She knows I absolutely fucking despise brightly colored hair on women. FML
Today, I went to the farm my girlfriend's parents live on. She was showing me around the barn when she picked up a tool and said, "We used this to castrate the goats… and I'll use it on you if you piss me off." FML
Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML
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Top comments
zebraumicornz 6
Doesn't that juice stain! I would get some stain remover if I was you...
lolmigosh 15
I would keep my eye on her if I were you.
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Comments (122)
99megster 15
That would be really messy!! I ate a pomegranate a couple of days ago and after I ate it I looked in the mirror and discovered that it had sprayed all over my face and shirt! Good thing I washed my shirt right away, or it probably would have stained.
suboy 10
As long as you behave you have nothing to worry about, unless she has her own code.
Teyros 24
You have to admit it's a pretty good show. Don't be scared OP.. Just make sure you don't have any more garbage bags in your house.
TipOfTheHat 10
Does Lorena Bobbit come to mind?
KiddNYC1O 22
I was going to say... Check her internet history. If Lorena Bobbit comes up, sleep with one eye open.
Sparks808 10
Guess her plan of winning every argument is working then. :) Your girlfriend is diabolical.
ben827 10
I hope she isn't like Overly Attached Girlfriend. Whatever you do, don't lose sight of her. And if you see her holding something shiny and kinda pointy from the corner of your eyes RUN! In all seriousness, I'd be concerned and I'd talk to her about it. I'm sure she isn't a serial killer. If you express your concern now, she might explain it all to you. Either that or keep her away from that show. My sister watches that show and is obsessed with it. I know how you feel.
beatlegirl27 20
I'm scared for you
booshislove 8
That's a crazy bitch!
Daze619 3
Sounds like she's a neat monster
david1029 3
Good luck my friend!
gxkon 5
Just remind her what usually happens to the females in dexters life.