Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
Today, my girlfriend's needy five year-old tried to swing on my arm while I was cutting celery. I needed seven stitches. Later, my girlfriend complained that I should have cleaned up the blood because she's squeamish, and that I upset her son by yelling and cussing in pain. FML
Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by cooking dinner. As I was chopping onions, I cut my finger and started bleeding everywhere. She walked in, saw the blood on the onions, and almost passed out. FML
Today, I came home to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair a ridiculous bright color. She knows I absolutely fucking despise brightly colored hair on women. FML
Today, I went to the farm my girlfriend's parents live on. She was showing me around the barn when she picked up a tool and said, "We used this to castrate the goats… and I'll use it on you if you piss me off." FML
Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML
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Top comments
zebraumicornz 6
Doesn't that juice stain! I would get some stain remover if I was you...
lolmigosh 15
I would keep my eye on her if I were you.
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Comments (122)
beerfighteragi 7
Dexter is an awesome show. end of story
sashie91 5
you know what happens when you assume. it makes an ass out of you and me.
MichellinMan 20
What?!
jdyo3 5
47 assume ass-u-me
KiddNYC1O 22
*Slow clap* No but seriously, I don't think it's a case of assumption. Op is just being cautious.
ChaoticBacon 6
It's actually a very educational show. I've seen every episode and have learned a few things about chemisty and forensics, etc.
xrudeboyrock 29
I've seen every episode also, but I don't believe it really gives an accurate depiction of forensics/criminology. In a realistic setting Dexter would have been caught three seasons ago, if not sooner. It's a great show, but don't put too much stock in it!
CharresBarkrey 16
Dexter is NOT an accurate source of chemistry or forensics. Even some of their lab stuff is off.
stargirl_95 24
Hey it could be worse. She could be addicted to Glee and spend all her time singing crappy covers of classics that make you want to tear out your ears
ChillinChica 5
That's a waste of pomegranates... Those are expensive...
Stix89 2
What a waste of pomegranates.
Gabs2016 10
Time to find a new GF. SERIOUSLY
raraisbang 12
Says the 15 year old.
Justy101 23
Yes. Because when your partner is really interested in a tv show, you know that's when you gotta show them the door.
Gabs2016 10
She is obsessed with a murder show and is fiercely cutting things. That is kind of scary.
MichellinMan 20
40- well it's just a pomegranate. It's not like she has a secret cellar where she keeps human bodies. And plus, cutting a pomegranate and watching a TV show a lot isn't scary, unless you're pure pussy.
gracehi 33
Okay, I'll agree that what Gabs said was stupid, but what does that have to do with her age? I've seen young and old alike say some dumb shit, and when it's a teenager someone always has to bring up their age, but nobody mentions the age of adults who say dumb things. I've also seen teenagers make some hilariously witty or incitefull comments, but nobody ever says anything about their age then either. I just don't get it.
MichellinMan 20
^ yea I definitely agree. That's exactly what it's like when you're a freshman in high school.
LolPieRofl 11
If she keeps doing that, kick her out of the house and shout "Surprise Motherfucka"
LolFMLnot 10
No just no
TessaLynne 2
Haha my dads favorite person in the series
aw3som3sauc3 10
But then she might decide to stray from Harry's code, and looking at Dexter's brother, that's going to be quite messy...
egrov311 4
Love it!
astralvagan 20
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.
DisneyPrincess6 3
Why? Are you a pomegrante?
CharresBarkrey 16
Plot twist!