Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML
Today, after a short trip out of town, I came back late at night to the yard clean, the house swept and mopped, all the laundry done, and my son asleep. I was thrilled with my boyfriend, until I found him passed out, covered in spilled beer and piss. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I'd set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, I came home to pandemonium: the kids screaming, the house a mess, wet laundry, no food made, and my wife in her office. After cleaning, making dinner, putting everything away, and getting the kids to sleep, I grabbed myself a beer. My wife saw it and said, "You're kidding, right?" FML
Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
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Top comments
Cadeth 13
Don't worry OP you're a strong independent man who don't need no beer!
MisterKnowItAll 15
You probably looked fabulous.
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Comments (70)
JanaTheWolf 16
Haha, I just showed this post to my husband. I don't think he'll go anywhere without looking in a mirror from now on :) OP, thank your wife for this awesome idea.
HollyQuinn 21
Or you could just get over it? Jeez, man.
0mysteriousman0 22
You have an epic wife with a great sense of humour!!! Definitely a keeper!!!
PenguinsLaugh 24
This is hilarious, but how did you not feel the makeup?
Badkarma4u 17
The people at the gas station most likely dont give a damn. I wouldn't. I'd think it was a prank or a dare and go on with my life.
bapbap_fml 15
I doubt they really even cared. Going out of your way to buy beer elsewhere would seem like an overreaction to me.
johnnyswallop 18
Beer from a gas station? WTF are you getting, Shaefer?
MonstreBelle 29
Own it. Have your wife do your makeup again and go back to that gas station and buy your beer, singing "I Feel Pretty" the entire time.
nevereyes 31
Why would you have to get beer else where? Nothing wrong with you having make up on
nEXtIntoTheWild 5
That's a good wife. Haha!