Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML
Today, after a short trip out of town, I came back late at night to the yard clean, the house swept and mopped, all the laundry done, and my son asleep. I was thrilled with my boyfriend, until I found him passed out, covered in spilled beer and piss. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I'd set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, I came home to pandemonium: the kids screaming, the house a mess, wet laundry, no food made, and my wife in her office. After cleaning, making dinner, putting everything away, and getting the kids to sleep, I grabbed myself a beer. My wife saw it and said, "You're kidding, right?" FML
Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
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Top comments
Cadeth 13
Don't worry OP you're a strong independent man who don't need no beer!
MisterKnowItAll 15
You probably looked fabulous.
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Comments (70)
katina1236 20
You probably looked fantastic. And if you know the workers at the store it'll be a good laugh. When I was little my mom and I painted my dads nails he went out for groceries and didn't realize it until the teller was staring at his hands
gemstone586 12
seriously, why is there no "that's hilarious" button?!? hahaha
ko051598 20
Sounds like something I'm going to do when I'm married. Haha
spidaman 14
no. not fyl. you can buy beer from a gas station. You're lucky.
heavenlyassbutt 11
Work it. Your wife is a keeper. It's hard to find someone with a good sense of humor nowadays.
LPac5295 27
Well... on the bright side your wife is fun loving and a jokester.
addictionpool 10
not a fyl or ydi. more along the lines as badass. good job wife, now to prank her
darthhera 11
Masculinity so fragile.
zarrganaut 17
This makes me wanna try this on my boyfriend. He sleeps so much.
nodai 13
Or you could own it, unless you're a wuss.