Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to "spice up sex" by talking like an anime character. We had to stop after the line, "Your vagina will crumble before the power of my Hypercock!" FML
Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML
Today, my boyfriend was about to go down on me as foreplay before losing his virginity and he actually poked my clitoris and said, "What’s this thing?" FML
Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML
Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML
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Top comments
lil_miss_blair 0
don't complain, your boyfriend rocks.
SynchronicityII 0
After that, did he conjure up an ****** with his "magic wand"?
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Comments (240)
myfordrocks1990 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
fail
Hayman68 4
You are a horrible speller. It is actually spelled w-i-n.
ScaryyMary 14
It's actually spelled f-i-r-s-t
jewban 3
LOL win I love your boyfriend
monkeyshorts22 4
win!! bahaha
tylahgrace 12
WIN!
badboy310 0
they say epic fail but for me it's a EPIC WIN!!
soiheardyoufaile 4
it's also *spelt epic win :D
Obelia 3
Lol...I think your bf rocks! Lighten up and enjoy!
Lurked 4
win actually :) I was listing to the Harry Potter soundtrack while reading this :3
TheZarola 10
#132, it's spelled.
schadenfreude26 0
132; I cringed and forgot my witty remark. Thanks.
Scrumpypancakes 0
I'm sorry, but that is funny xD
DahkLohd 4
It wasn't just funny, but very enjoyable as well. Especially since it's been a long time since I got any.
ohmygaaawsh29 0
agreed LOL
yazmi_09 3
lmao this is the funniest thing I've ever read
NJXD 0
holy shitballs its voldermort !!! :D
supertacowaffle 41
WTF?
lil_miss_blair 0
don't complain, your boyfriend rocks.
DahkLohd 4
I do? Thanks!
SadinSherman 16
That's not funny
tribridags 0
lmfaolmfaolmaolamalmaoamlffmlamfomfoalmfO!!!@!@!&&@&!!&@
spanelli 16
Yes, it is funny.
EmreArslan 11
I would rock you ^^
scarletchamber 0
y r u complaining op your bf rocks
ummmhii 0
#3- being accepted to be a playboy model isn't exactly something to be happy about...
JRT1393 13
I'm not complaining that she got accepted
unidentified_sta 5
Deep within your ovary your brood of ovules wait for him. The chosen one.
SynchronicityII 0
After that, did he conjure up an ****** with his "magic wand"?
DahkLohd 4
Of course not! I entered with my Basilisk.
lil_miss_blair 0
omg these comments are too funny
yazmi_09 3
win for #5 and mega win for the dark lord! I just hope fawkes didn't gouge out the eyes of the dark lords basilisk though :0
DahkLohd 4
Nah, when Fawkes saw that my Basilisk had only one eye, he was afraid to get anywhere near it.
Karnezar 2
He stuck his magic wand into her chamber of secrets, broke her horcrux, and then pulled out, releasing his polyjuice potion on her.
scarred_cutter 0
Your boyfriend sounds amazing! Cherish him!
DahkLohd 4
For those of you making fun of the bf, stop in your tracks. It was me. :)
deven329 1
lmfao
makeitreeeal 0
I love how ur profile pic is a Harry potter character XD
I_like_chicken 0
I love that u have no idea why you're talking about because you said "a Harry potter character" instead of Voldemort u f*cking suck at life cuz u talk about shit you have no idea about
spanelli 16
Apparently you don't either. Learn to spell, idiot.
jonathanpwns 0
He sucks at life because he doesn't know who Voldemort is?
mintcar 10
95, you're an idiot. He recognized the character but couldn't remember the name. Is that a crime?!
docscientist 10
I know, 95 recognizes the English language but can't spell it.
blondieXoXoXo 0
wow people have very different conversations on here ha ha it's so funny!!
yazmi_09 3
I hope you didn't hurt her because the dark lord is merciful to those who are loyal
BrazilK 0
*yea I'm sure it was you*
harrypotterfinat 0
I'd love it if my guy did that to me ;)
brackaman 18
Pshh. Plz 119, did you see how he treated Bellatrix? The minute the chamber was open he probably sent his basilisk inside to make its home without regard to how the chamber felt.
Doortje 30
OMG, that's so awesome, if you don't want him as your boyfriend anymore I sure as hell do :D
BieberBlastHA 2
he's mine!
DahkLohd 4
Are you girls sure about that? All righty then, I'll visit each of you tonight. :)
Doortje 30
No Bieberfan deserves such an awesome boyfriend.
Tancaliel 12
Damn #9, you beat me to it! ;) I mean, aside from it being funny, OP's boyfriend speaks Parseltongue? That sounds pretty sexy >.>
Doortje 30
Get in line Tancaliel, DahkLohd is visiting me first!
frozzenhart 0
I think it speaks volumes abt the op's private parts ;X must have smelt like a basilisk's breath .
rickolette 0
Doortje & Tancaliel.... You BOTH are wrong!!!!! Dahk Lohd will be visiting ME first.....
music12 4
It does sound pretty sexy! Only a certain amount of people know how to speak it!!;)
bconner028 0
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha that is so great
DahkLohd 4
Indeed. :)
yazmi_09 3
did Fawkes gouge out the eyes of you basilisk? :0
yazmi_09 3
did Fawkes gouge out the eyes of your basilisk? :0