Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

How's about you go **** yourself, knobhead?

Today, my boyfriend of four years told me that I have a potty mouth and that I should clean it with Harpic. FML

Gift of the gab

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

To each his own

Today, during sex, my boyfriend found it appropriate to tell me he loves "how bad" I smell. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said, "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

Excuuuuuuse me?

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

So sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and me. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered, "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

Kinky

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML