Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to "spice up sex" by talking like an anime character. We had to stop after the line, "Your vagina will crumble before the power of my Hypercock!" FML
Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML
Today, my boyfriend was about to go down on me as foreplay before losing his virginity and he actually poked my clitoris and said, "What’s this thing?" FML
Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML
Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML
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Top comments
lil_miss_blair 0
don't complain, your boyfriend rocks.
SynchronicityII 0
After that, did he conjure up an ****** with his "magic wand"?
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Comments (240)
sexynerd 0
Parseltongue is used to speak to snakes but not only snakes can understand it, wizards who know parseltongue can talk to each other using it, and if u watched the movie, harry opened the chamber of secretes in moaning myrtles bathroom by saying open in parseltongue to the sink(the only snake there was sketched into the side of the sink) he also used it later in the chamber to open another door that had metal snakes on it
purplechickk99 0
he uses is to get that snake away from Justin when malfoy shot the Snake out of his wand at Harry during dueling lessons taught by professor snape and professor Lockhart
boatkicker 5
And in book 7 with Mrs Bagshot.... or whatever.
I_like_chicken 0
u reprayed this after posting it as a reply to another comment, and it still fails
naximus93 0
I loved the part where you said "whatever," so that wouldn't look nerdy.
boatkicker 5
It was so that I didn't leave too much in the way of spoilers. Although now that I think about it, the books been out for long enough that anyone whose going to read it already has, and the movie's out now too (that part anyways), so there's not really any reason to dance around that anymore.
AustinWheeler 0
OP's Boyfriend is awesome.
rattusrattus 19
I thought You-Know-Who wasn't into relationships. Or sex. Or any form of human intimacy at all. Sorry Bellatrix.
DahkLohd 4
That was just my excuse for not being able to get any...until now. ;)
boatkicker 5
You could easily have had Bellatrix! Do you find the idea of sleeping with another man's wife unfavorable? Does that mean you actually have some strange morals? I'm surprised!
simran9 0
actually, not just you know who is a parselmouth. it may have been Harry or Salazar!
DahkLohd 4
@75 - Nah, Bellatrix was always too much of a clinger. @129 - True, but Salazar died over 1,000 years ago, and Harry wouldn't cheat on Ginny.
Pawned71 0
LOL
JessieMongoose 11
Lmfao. That's awesome. xD
maniac310 2
FHL for having such a boring ass gf
xXAlexxXx 0
I'm gonna steal your boyfriend. that's ******* amazing.
feliciam 0
omg I know her boyfriend sounds amazing!!! well if someone did that to me it might be a turn on hahahahha!
JasonJ 5
Okay I HAVE to meet the guy now! That was a complete WIN! your boyfriend is awsome!
TH3_B345T 0
hahaha awesome
lyncecelia 13
that is funny! FYL for not having a sense of humor!