Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML
Today, I found out that the woman who I punched in the face after I caught her on my porch snooping through my mail is pressing charges. FML
Today, while I was home sick from work, my neighbor got packages delivered. Our apartments have had a lot of thefts lately so, being neighborly, I brought her stuff inside to wait. When she came home, I gave them right to her. Instead of thanking me, she told the office that I was the thief all along. FML
Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML
Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML
Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML
Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML
Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML
Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML
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Top comments
olii_fml 0
Tell her that she's blown your cover and that you're going to have to kill her
denvan 0
Tell her the aliens are coming for her
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Comments (116)
denvan 0
Tell her the aliens are coming for her
urdirtyolduncle 15
Tell her to stfu and let you make your next 007 film. Then request a sex scene with her for the "film." If she's ugly, ask for her daughter.
whyXD 13
use your imagination, have fun.
tacocannon99 5
tell her your actually a Porno director. if he asks which one, just say: avrile lavigne and Emma Watson sex tape; the anal hammer. works every time.
baddud300 6
Better buy a tuxedo.... doo roo doo do do rooooo
rallets 23
were they butt naked banging on your bathroom door?
Thunderbender 2
. . . Well are you a spy?
goaliemkl123 8
badud300. that's not the beat for 007 at all.
dolphincheddar 10
umm.. calling the cops is a bit drastic. and your neighbors a creep but at least she doesn't stalk you or something..
ChibiChibi_fml 28
How is calling the cops drastic if the woman won't go away? If she's been asked repeatedly to leave and refuses than calling the cops seems like the best response. If she seems a bit crazy (as someone accusing you of being a spy might) it seems like the smart response.
bubbly31 0
I'm pretty sure if you call the cops they have to come
a_nutritionist 10
"there are 5 snipers trained on you as we speak, if you value your life you should turn around and walk away now. ill pretend this conversation never took place and wont need to tell my superiors the mission is compromised and to terminate the subject immediately."
ceepevoy 0
3 fingers, were the 3 best friends that anyone can have.
WallyTheWombat 0
Hit her with a bat, she'll go away.
aubcope14 0
well, you know what they say...
NomOnShroomz 14
Well I know what your mom said last night... would you like me to enlighten you?
atthegates 0
im embarrassed for you 19......
lucas18xx53 0
lmfao 6 ahahaha
aubcope14 0
smart asses
sydneyaval 9
What DO they say? Please tell cuz i am just NOT getting it!
sydneyaval 9
are you an Austrailian?
aubcope14 0
lmao, I'm not.
olii_fml 0
Tell her that she's blown your cover and that you're going to have to kill her
jonathanje2 0
That looks so awsome with that picture lol
Lumenoire 0
This must be the same neighbor that thinks that OP is trying to steal her husband..
brittiboo1 0
#73 haha i was thinkn tha same thing
ArentICute 0
Lmao, I thought so too.
daisy963 4
I second that
jenzan 8
The name's Bond, James Bond, let me show you to my room and I'll explain everything...
rainbo955 0
that's actually funny. I'd play along and do spy-like stuff whenever she's looking, lol.
hellokat1 0
That's a good idea. Maybe she'll be so freaked out, she'll move away.
NomOnShroomz 14
Or maybe she'll be freaked out and stab her. See not such a good idea.
rainbo955 0
who would stab a secret agent? Lol
rainbo955 0
who would stab a secret agent? Lol
rainbo955 0
oopsy, stupid iPhone double posting.
loooooooooool_fml 1
rainbo955, obviously the neighbour would stab him, because she's crazy enough..
satanic_fml 13
well stop being a secret agent then
heartbrakej 0
what would happen if I hired two detectives to follow eachother?
OkayImSorry 0
Who cares...
scottishandrew1 0
you would find out who the better detective was?
MrSassypants 34
They would keep looking out for each other then eventually both of them would follow each other in circles for awhile (I don't mean two feet away circles, I mean around the block circles) and would think each other were suspicious for doing that and might confront each other and find out your plan... then you're just screwed buddy.
sydneyaval 9
i dunno
ryanst 7
But what if you have a detective following a detective who's following a detective who's following the first detective?
raphanne_fml 33
And have you ever wondered how many bears could bear grylls grill if bear grylls could grill bears?
OkayImSorry 0
She knows too much. Kill her now.
CommonSenseKarma 17
NO WAIT, OKAY IM SORRY I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
unluckiestperson_fml 14
Shut the door, and lock it. If the cops won't believe you then they can't blame you if she phones them cos you ignore her.
scottishandrew1 0
I'd have to set up a telescope in front of my window and point it at her house...... cause I'm gangsta like that!
brittiboo1 0
just wantd to tell ya that ur pic is freakkkkyy