Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML
Today, I found out that the woman who I punched in the face after I caught her on my porch snooping through my mail is pressing charges. FML
Today, while I was home sick from work, my neighbor got packages delivered. Our apartments have had a lot of thefts lately so, being neighborly, I brought her stuff inside to wait. When she came home, I gave them right to her. Instead of thanking me, she told the office that I was the thief all along. FML
Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML
Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML
Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML
Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML
Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML
Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML
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Top comments
olii_fml 0
Tell her that she's blown your cover and that you're going to have to kill her
denvan 0
Tell her the aliens are coming for her
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Comments (116)
laundryninja 1
then file a complaint!
Baluvagyok 7
Tell her you're a secret agent for the KGB, and you've come to kill the president
iilovecokee 6
Geez, have some fun with this. Next time answer the door with a homemade aluminum hat or pretend Xray glasses. If worse comes to worse, you could probably defend your self from her. Unless, she's like one of those women from the Life Network movies...well then, you're just screwed.
Kevinlokz 3
she's a tweaker I bet
Wackycas_fml 0
tell her u work for the CIA and if she doesn't leave you alone she is gonna disappear
sparxva 12
Call the men in white coats to take Lady Paranoia to her private vacation. And it wouldnt be a bad idea to get a restraining order.
sparxva 12
While you're at it, encourage her to call the police each time somebody steals her mail until they take her seriously. After she calls them a few times they will tale care of that problem for you.
Blakem159 1
record it next time
rezzel 0
get ur secret agent connections to come take her away
princessjasmine2_fml 0
I would mess with her head...talk with a Russian accent and pretend to speak to someone in a different language on your phone when she's around.