Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML
Today, I found out that the woman who I punched in the face after I caught her on my porch snooping through my mail is pressing charges. FML
Today, while I was home sick from work, my neighbor got packages delivered. Our apartments have had a lot of thefts lately so, being neighborly, I brought her stuff inside to wait. When she came home, I gave them right to her. Instead of thanking me, she told the office that I was the thief all along. FML
Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML
Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML
Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML
Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML
Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML
Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML
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Top comments
olii_fml 0
Tell her that she's blown your cover and that you're going to have to kill her
denvan 0
Tell her the aliens are coming for her
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Comments (116)
OsirisFaction_fml 5
Invest in a baseball bat.
HannahForbesxo 13
One with a nail through the top. That'll show her how serious you are.
xxlauruh 0
or how over the top homicidal you are
cynide 13
Tell her that you will ray-gun her ass if she doesnt **** off, i mean you are a secret agent..
gigi03 5
Are you a transformer?
cynide 13
yezz... how did you know?
jaredallen69 0
hol ly shit call the po bros
iAmScrubs 19
And you aren't having fun with this once in a lifetime opportunity? Tell your neighbor that you are Inspector Gadget's child. USA's top spy. A cross between Jack Sparrow and Magikarp.
raphanne_fml 33
Yeah and for the moment if she bothers you too much knock her down with your gogo gadget face punch :D
BadKitty13 28
tell her to go away. then lock the door and ignore her. if she doesn't go away, call the cops and get them to come to your house while she is still there and have her arrested for harrasment.
BeastMode5 0
The cops don't believe OP, dip-wad. -_-
fckdupzf 0
I think u haven't read the fml
sydie5 12
Play along. Offer to show her your spy gadgets lol
x_messyjessy_x 0
AKA your genitals lol ;)
blanccamaro74 6
cops suck their just to lazy
heylesha 8
aww:( just say my fellow agents are now coming to take you away. You know to much. They are coming to make you forget everything.
Iknoweverything 29
Instead of calling the cops, tell her that her time is better spent calling the police instead of waking you up. And every time she bangs on your door, spray her with a fire extinguisher. As long as she's inconveniencing you, you might as well do it back. (the first suggestion is the more reasonable)
Bcfrmkc816 17
Ya but a guy doing that stuff will go to jail no matter what
HomeAl0ne 20
If you try and argue with her, she'll drag you down to crazy town and try to beat you with experience. Here's what you need to do... Take her into your confidence and tell her you've been sent by Us to help her, because she's so important. The Others are stealing her mail, and you are observing their activities before reporting back. As you say "reporting back", motion towards your microwave. Tell her to go back home, make a tent out of tinfoil and sit under it with the handle of a fork in her mouth. That will shield her mind waves from Them. Then she should turn on her TV switch to AV1 and play any Disney DVD in upside down (Miley Cryus is best), that's how we will send her instructions. The code phrase to wait for is "the albatross flies backwards at night". The voices in her head will tell her what to do next. Meanwhile she should memorise the first 253 digits of pi, except where she can see a pattern. Tell her you don't think that backwards patterns aren't important. Oh, and leave your kettle on so I can see how it goes...
footballur 0
Very descriptive... someone has experience...
koalaking009 3
That, sir, is true genius. bravo!
perdix 31
What won't they believe? That you are not stealing her mail, that you are not a secret agent, or that she was banging at your door? If you are a secret agent, you are surely not a secret literary agent, because you can't write worth a shit.
howdmynosego 12
no they don't beleve OPs got a crazy neighber