Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML
Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, I had to call 911 and explain to the operator that my girlfriend orgasmed so hard that she had a seizure and passed out. FML
Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML
Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML
Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Tell her you have coronavirus and she'll feel sorry for you, and you'll get 14 days to ********** in peace.
LauraLaik 15
I don’t think the problem isn’t that he was masturbating. As I understand it, he feels bad/guilty for being so out of shape and doesn’t want his girlfriend to know.
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Comments (9)
RichardPencil 32
Tell her you have coronavirus and she'll feel sorry for you, and you'll get 14 days to ********** in peace.
Lennie Mcfish 19
so? if you ********** you **********, who cares?
RichardPencil 32
Girlfriends and wives sometimes care. They feel they have first dibs on your baby batter. You can't just shoot it into a sock without giving them a chance.
LauraLaik 15
I don’t think the problem isn’t that he was masturbating. As I understand it, he feels bad/guilty for being so out of shape and doesn’t want his girlfriend to know.
Yudith 28
Tell her you tried to jog into your apartment. She will congratulate you for starting to get back in shape for bikini season.
sickerthanyou 13
At least she didn’t accuse you of boning someone else while on the phone with her
WistayShlaio82 13
You get out of breath just from masturbation? I’m so sorry.
BLACKHEART46101 10
That's still better than your crush calling right as you are about to finish.