Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today my car was broken into. The only thing taken were condoms and lighters I had in the glove box. FML
Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML
Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML
Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card, since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV, a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML
Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML
Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML
Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML
Today, I was skating in the city when I slipped and fractured my arm. As I was lying in pain, a guy walked up to me, frisked my pocket and took my wallet. He then said, "It's nothing personal." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
TwitchingNebula 17
Don't keep condoms in your wallet. They dry out and crack and you can get someone pregnant by using them.
rubberduckie94 13
Either the size or the fact op is old enough to drive a car, yet still uses a Velcro wallet.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (108)
TwitchingNebula 17
Don't keep condoms in your wallet. They dry out and crack and you can get someone pregnant by using them.
daltonromanowski 11
This. The friction and tight space in your wallet renders them almost useless.
ebonyirony 29
Also you don't keep them in your car
cajekraze 7
And don't keep anything in a Velcro wallet. You aren't 6, grow up and get some leather
Max1468 4
I was gonna say that. XD
Idonebeenhad 17
18- ...it's just there to keep it shut. It's complete preference.
Drigr 9
I've got likes for velcros and leathers. My velcro seemed more compact and like it flattened out better (but that would have also been from a year of use. I recently (month or so ago) switched to a leather wallet (hated the way money fits into a trifold wallet) and it feels bulkier and if I'm sitting on it too long its uncomfortable. Oh no, another personal anecdote... Thumb down
j_cat187 20
#1 You saved me.
maskedman 9
I thought they were laughing at the loose change. Condoms are serious business to me, but loose change is hilarious.
ifoundalaska 11
44- I'd advise you not to sit on your wallet at all, my dad ended up getting some kind of leg cramping from doing that for so long. It's becoming a common problem among men :p
XxchristinasmhxX 0
Oh yeah tell him!!
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
Shouldn't you be a little more concerned about your situation then looking dumb, Op? You were in a frickin' car accident!
Fmeonce_shameonu 15
This is one of the funniest FMLs I've seen. Good for you for keepin it real! Always have to be preped! You don't deserve to get peppered by all these virgins with their negative ass comments. Keep the sex-Ed crusty condom talk in class where it belongs.
laden_swallow09 35
76 - You use "Sex Ed." as if it's a bad thing.
luvscomplic8ed 6
*facepalm*
DMarie217 0
Well hey " safety " first right!? Lol
Fmeonce_shameonu 15
79. You talk about it like it is...pathetic
Fmeonce_shameonu 15
Sorry for being rude..here's what I genuinely learned from sex Ed.......oh wait, nothing!
Fmeonce_shameonu 15
AND; I've had more unprotected sex in my life then protected sex, I'm 25, and have no kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's called a brain. Use it, but use it correctly
TwitchingNebula 17
Judging by your picture 76, 96, 97, and 98 you get beat up a lot...
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
98- you act like it's impossible for women to get pregnant during unprotected sex. It happens dude, more then you think. Why the hell do you think they make condoms anyway?
GetDirtyDoWork 1
You might not have kids... But you probably have some type of std. eveennn better
rubberduckie94 13
Either the size or the fact op is old enough to drive a car, yet still uses a Velcro wallet.
Saraahx97 0
And thats why you keep your condoms in your car
fistnazal 10
Mm unless you live some where that is always hot...
llamafish 25
Define "hot".
ScaughtieHolden 11
Having a high degree of heat or high temperature.
benhd1 14
And that is why you should keep your comments to yourself
YourAFailmod 4
There's a good way to start a conversation!(;
Michael_92 20
I can see it right now OP "hey pretty lady how would you like to come to my room after visiting hours" Nurse "Well that all depends on a few things" *takes out wallet and condoms fall everywhere* OP "Oh yea baby there's plenty more where them came from".....awkward.
BriBeHyper 2
Lol^.^
bfsd42 20
Just like a piñata for a bachelor. Condoms and laundry money instead of candy.
laden_swallow09 35
Sounds like a totally bitchin' 21st birthday party!
DMarie217 0
Well hey " safety " first right!? Lol
amberxxoo 6
How old are you? Velcro? Really?
Caliborn_06 11
There's nothing wrong with Velcro. Shut up.
amberxxoo 6
And hey. At least you got felt up by the nurse..?
KiddNYC1O 22
"That man's got a case of the hornys."
skoob1 12
If getting your wallet taken qualifies as 'being felt up' are pickpockets really molesters? Or does that make them a prostitute for being paid?
cr3ativity 15
Scumbag nurses these days. Last time I went into the emergency room, some of the nurses were betting whether or not I would shit the bed or not after the surgery.
KiddNYC1O 22
Did you?
CaramelMacchiato 13
^ I bet money he didn't.
KiddNYC1O 22
I bet 2, he did.
skoob1 12
Maybe the nurse was checking his wallet to find his blood type? Some people carry those blood donor cards...
cr3ativity 15
Sadly I did. It's a very awkward situation when you wake up at 3:09 AM on a gurney/ bed and you hear a rumbling noise from your very own bowels. Followed by a wafting scent that makes your nose cringe in disbelief. The nurse won $30 by the way. Don't ask me how I remember all these details. It's just that I tend to remember every single embarrassing thing I have done.
benhd1 14
Well you kinda have to keep it light especially in a hospital where 1 in 3 people who come in will die
tennisrapper1 14
Share them with a hot nurse! ;)