Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML
Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML
Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML
Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML
Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML
Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML
Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML
Today, a man walked through my line with a XL bottle of lotion and many boxes of tissues. As I was ringing him up, the customer broke the silence by saying, "Yeah my son won't stop using the cooking oil for his 'personal time'", finger-air-quotes and all. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
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Top comments
Dave_Davington 34
Hey, don't judge. 13 year old autistic cousins have needs too, you know.
Tripartita 45
I can say from experience that circumcised folks don't need lube to **********. I've never heard that before. Foreskin only covers the glans of the penis, so unless you really like rubbing the head, the shaft is unaffected by circumcision.
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Comments (45)
Krigsgud 2
Why does he need lube? unless he is circumcised or something.
meghanhaley89 0
OP here.. couldn't figure out my login when I posted this. I had no problem with her request, as I know how autistic children are, I have worked with them for quite a while and have been babysitting said cousin since he was born. She told me in private because he thinks that it's some big secret as to why he needs it. I was a good cousin and got him some better stuff and put it on his bed side table when I was over there on Christmas. I just thought this was funny.
CavishingRunt 0
I want to know why the aunt was asking hin to stay at OP's place?
PissyBitch Daily 13
That's disgusting. Autism really is given a pass for any sort of behavior these days, isn't it.