Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML
Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML
Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML
Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML
Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML
Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML
Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML
Today, a man walked through my line with a XL bottle of lotion and many boxes of tissues. As I was ringing him up, the customer broke the silence by saying, "Yeah my son won't stop using the cooking oil for his 'personal time'", finger-air-quotes and all. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
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Top comments
Dave_Davington 34
Hey, don't judge. 13 year old autistic cousins have needs too, you know.
Tripartita 45
I can say from experience that circumcised folks don't need lube to **********. I've never heard that before. Foreskin only covers the glans of the penis, so unless you really like rubbing the head, the shaft is unaffected by circumcision.
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Comments (45)
QueenOfSuppness 25
Some things should not be told.
itssnotfunny 24
Oh boy, that kid is slick.
Magnoxidans 19
Wingman of the year!
Dave_Davington 34
Hey, don't judge. 13 year old autistic cousins have needs too, you know.
baybkayks 18
Special needs
maritime1992 5
I'd tell her to take his ass to the local motel 6 down the road.
hpandher 16
Am I only one who is wondering what in the world he needs vaseline for?
alex_gen 39
If you don't know, you're not old enough.
tj4234 36
Yeah, you are.
ChristinePi 36
It says it in the FML.
Sir_Cow 17
Vaseline is a lube.
tounces7 28
Although, the worst lube, frankly.
species4872 20
Bit of a slippery slope this one.
trollcrusher 17
Come now, let's not judge! Maybe he's just been dry-dogging it his whole life, and never discovered the wonders of... lubricated recreation.
hpandher 16
I understand what he's up to but what role is vaseline supposed to play??
stupidpplsuck 33
Lube
Piaze 7
Lube?
Dat_Class_Tho 26
Circumsised males require lube to rub one out.
Tripartita 45
I can say from experience that circumcised folks don't need lube to **********. I've never heard that before. Foreskin only covers the glans of the penis, so unless you really like rubbing the head, the shaft is unaffected by circumcision.
Colon_Man 17
Sounds like he's a master baiter.
ConfederateSlave 2
gold
pscool 11
All 13-year-old boys have needs! And if he doesn't have an older brother or cousin to educate him. Be a good Aunt an upgrade his lubrication of choice. People in the comments are confused about his Vaseline choice, this and hand lotion would be a young boys first options they all truly believe they are being discreet and that no one knows what they want it for! They're just really concerned about chapel lips and dry skin ya right! Hook him up with something silicone-based! You'll be his favorite aunt for life!
RichardPencil 32
It's a Christmas miracle! Think of this as your chance to bring myrrh to the baby. You're like a wise man from the East!
Benpai74 0
Bruhhhhhhhhhhhh wtf, his mom needs to at least keep it on the downlow