Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML
Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML
Today, I cleaned my 21 year-old son's bedroom from top to bottom. When he got home from work all he could do was complain that the clothes that were on his "floordrobe"’ were "only worn once." This was my only day off, so why do I bother? FML
Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML
Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML
Today, I hired a cleaner to clean my apartment so when my in-laws visited tonight, they wouldn't think I was lazy. I got home from work, the cleaner hadn't shown at all, and my in-laws had arrived early. My mother-in-law is now mopping the floors. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML
Today, I was quite happily glossing my new bathroom door, when my useless, alcoholic, housemate came rolling in, knocked the paint over, stood in it, and without realising, walked it all the way down the stairs. I had just had a brand new carpet fitted. FML
Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML
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Top comments
SkoomaKi 28
The intelligence is strong with this one. He improvised, give him some credit there.
Redoxx_fml 22
Smartest man ever
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Comments (218)
neoamaru_fml 8
....& you had a baby w/ that guy?! Goddamn you musta been soooooooo fn hammered & horny that night!!! I just don't understand what people have against condoms :/
THE_A_TEEN 28
It could be OP's husband. You take things too literaly.
The_Troller 14
I don't understand what people have against grammar.
Matty1188 6
Condoms fail sometimes.
kirrra 11
I have no idea how your comment hasn't been thumbed down more.. first off,condoms break as previously mentioned, secondly,not everyone is able to base their relationship choices on something which happens in the future.. and lastly,this man could be an intelligent man,had no other options and improvised so he didn't have to leave a big mess,which i would've thought would be more likely to leave him without a job..
Eorlas 31
I'm sorry that you had a child with him =/ Perhaps he's not that stupid with everything he does? I'm hoping that's the case since you decided to be pregnant by him.
DomDomxoxo 16
Accidents do happen. Maybe it wasn't something they chose.
jewelsinme 6
..
THE_A_TEEN 28
I see your point in this FML.
Tezoma 28
Very smooth move. I doubt I could ever come up with a method of cleaning as marvelous as using painter's tape on a carpet!
BobbieH 19
He wasn't laid off, he was fired. The euphemism doesn't apply when you lose your job for being incompetent and making stupid choices. FYL. Not for your husband losing his job but for being married to an idiot. I suppose that YDI though. You had to know he was an idiot before marrying him. If you didn't know then YDI for marrying someone you didn't really know. So accept your fate and learn to deal with disappointment, because you're bound to experience lots of it!
THE_A_TEEN 28
You act like if someone's future is set in stone. People just love being around you.
un1corns 15
41 - Nowhere in this FML does it say that OP's married to this man.
fencer49 0
That is actually a smart idea.... I mean if your in a pinch and don't have a vacuum
rattusrattus 19
Tell him to apply for a job in a waxing parlour.
loserman67 36
Maybe you should pack him a lunch so he doesn't have to eat paint chips all day long. But I have to give him credit, at least he tried, most guys would have just walked away.
rubberduckie94 13
He gets points for trying. Anytime my husband has been laid off I greeted by a mess and "I am hunger what's for supper". When I get home from work.
rubberduckie94 13
*hungry
downtime 13
This happens regularly enough that you picked up on a pattern? Great husband...
groupleader 7
Laid off? He should be in management. That is clearly thinking outside of the box. Although, you must be management grade as well, not clearly defining him as your boyfriend, but the father of your (bastard) child.
DelphiCat 17
Personally i'm assuming she describes him as the father of her child for one of two reasons. 1. FMLs have a limited space and putting 'my boyfriend/husband and father of my child' does not flow well (the main FML point being her child has these genes, not that she goes out with an idiot) or 2. They're not together, so she is fully entitled to describe him as 'the father of my child' without further specification of how that came about.