Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML
Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML
Today, I cleaned my 21 year-old son's bedroom from top to bottom. When he got home from work all he could do was complain that the clothes that were on his "floordrobe"’ were "only worn once." This was my only day off, so why do I bother? FML
Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML
Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML
Today, I hired a cleaner to clean my apartment so when my in-laws visited tonight, they wouldn't think I was lazy. I got home from work, the cleaner hadn't shown at all, and my in-laws had arrived early. My mother-in-law is now mopping the floors. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML
Today, I was quite happily glossing my new bathroom door, when my useless, alcoholic, housemate came rolling in, knocked the paint over, stood in it, and without realising, walked it all the way down the stairs. I had just had a brand new carpet fitted. FML
Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML
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Top comments
SkoomaKi 28
The intelligence is strong with this one. He improvised, give him some credit there.
Redoxx_fml 22
Smartest man ever
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Comments (218)
GovernorGeneral 8
Why cant you call him your husband? Unless youre divorced...but then you wouldnt know about the carpet thing....so why?
jessiek91 1
Because he can be the father of her child without them being married.....??
DooleyFTW 17
Wait wait wait.. So number 20 you're telling me it's physically possible to have a child with someone without being married? Mind = Blown!!
GovernorGeneral 8
Okok D:< i just havnt seen a lot of people who have babies before marriage cause of my religion...
ss_20_xx 14
26, which religion do you follow?
Mauskau 36
In today's society, plenty of people have children without being married. Then the child ruins their relationship and they never get married. Single parents, there's loads of them.
Matty1188 6
27, Does your religion require you to live under a rock?
TheMathMajor 26
94, some religions actually do pretty much require you to live under a rock. Like Mormonism and Jahova's witness. In those you aren't supposed to associate with anyone outside of the religion or do reasearch outside of church documents, especially with Jahova's witness.
KiddNYC1O 22
I want to gouge my eyes out.
xStaciexLynnx 15
108- You're an idiot. My father and stepmother are Jehovah's Witnesses (at least learn to spell it if you're going to insult them) and do everything that you and I do. They're just stricter with their beliefs and ACTUALLY follow them, unlike most religions.
KiddNYC1O 22
Okay, you became a little too defensive there. ^
gracehi 33
#108, Some religions are like that, but Jehovah's Witnesses isn't one of them. My best friend is a Jehovah's witness, and I'm not. And if you think about it, they have a reputation for being obnoxious because they're encouraged to interact with non-Jehovah's Witnesses.
TheMathMajor 26
I'm just saying what I know from different sources I've looked at. I know that a lot of people who are mormon don't follow those association rules, but I'm pretty sure it's part of the official church rules. I don't know any Jehovah's witness (sorry that I spelled it wrong) so I admit that I don't have any personal experience with that particular religion, but I've read testimonies of people who have left the church and they described it as very strict on those rules. I wasn't intending to insult you are the religion, just calling it like I see it.
TheMathMajor 26
I think we should stop with the religion topic before we get modded.
Feklfekl2222 32
These comments must be a mods worst nightmare, first a American English versus British English debate and a religious tiff
AmeliaPond21042 20
#108: im mormon and i follow it. no you are allowed to talk to others outside the religion. almost all my friends arnt mormon.
InfinityMinus1 5
I'm not sure if I should feel more sorry for you or your child
NITSAN6 1
That actually sounds reasonable..
penniesguy4323 1
That's not a bad idea if u got nothing else to use. At least he tried to clean it instead of giving up.
pmadNess 16
I must say, I admired his forward thinking. At least he tried to find a solution rather than leave a mess...
ElsaMari 0
must say...nice thinking...
TwiztedYuri 9
he puts Einstein to shame
ElsaMari 0
must say...nice thinking...
TwiztedYuri 9
BURN his picture. seems to he working for other people
Locoluis 15
Your child has his genes. FYL.
THE_A_TEEN 28
OP can raise it right and not follow the father's example. I don't understand how someone's genes affect intelligence...
ss_20_xx 14
Did you just refer to the child as it?
THE_A_TEEN 28
No (Thinks of excuse) It was Auto-correct. Yeah, Auto-correct...
Isoldael 27
I don't want to spark the whole nurture vs nature debate here, but at least most people agree that genes are somewhat involved in intelligence.
MoogleSam 8
@33: The genes control everything which makes the original baby because they are what make up chromosomes and therefore, DNA, which controls how fast you learn and everything from the height you grow to to the inherited conditions you receive. This can affect your intelligence because you can receive learning difficulties which make learning things a struggle or health conditions which can cause brain damage later in life. However the environment and the person's personal choices do play a role in affecting intelligence because intelligence is perceived in multiple ways such as how they solve problems and how much knowledge they have. People who go on shows like 'Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old' are called stupid/smart for not knowing/simply knowing some rather obscure facts for example and people who solve problems in unique yet obscure ways are called clever even if they were just trying something stupid to see what happened and got the solution by chance.
RedPillSucks 33
Is your baby daddys name Forest Gump?