Today, a side effect of my new medicine is uncontrollable itching. To “help”, my boyfriend gave me itching powder. When I got mad, he claimed he thought itching powder was used to combat itching. What? FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell over. FML
Today, I got dressed up in my best attire and drove an hour to my family Christmas, only to find out it was canceled, and nobody bothered to tell me. FML
Today, I had to have the awkward conversation with my wife of 20-plus years that the reason I’ve lost interest in sex is because our sex life has been mind numbingly boring for at least 15 of those years, always the same positions, never wanting to try anything new, just so boring. FML
Today, while I was home sick from work, my neighbor got packages delivered. Our apartments have had a lot of thefts lately so, being neighborly, I brought her stuff inside to wait. When she came home, I gave them right to her. Instead of thanking me, she told the office that I was the thief all along. FML
Today, I visited a friend out of state. We've been flirting for months and decided to fool around at night. He was very loving and attentive, but... he'd bragged about his dick being 6 inches and it ended up being not only thin, but very short. So thin and short that I couldn't really feel it. FML
Today, I yelled at my husband for staying out till after 9 and not having done any of the chores. He turned round and yelled right back at me for letting him sit alone at the restaurant, getting sympathy from the waiters, because I clearly forgot today was our anniversary dinner. Whoops. FML
Today, as a 6 ft 8 woman, I never get much attention from men, until today when a guy who was 7 ft 1 approached me at the bar with the chat up line, "Hey little lady, you look about my size, can I buy you a drink?" It worked. I'm such a stereotype, we’re going on a date tomorrow. FML
Today, after trying so hard to get myself back on my feet, I had an amazing interview and I was hired on the spot. I was so happy, until I read the position I was given, and it turns out I didn't get full-time, I got barely enough hours to even be part-time. FML
Today, my boys get in so much trouble, I don’t even bother checking on them anymore. Instead, every ten minutes, I yell up the stairs to stop whatever they’re doing, and every time without fail they guiltily apologise and try to blame each other/promise to fix it/swear not to do it again. EVERY TIME. FML
Today, I've come to terms that I'm only living to work. I'm going to be 25, no friends, never had any experience with women. Been trying all year to meet someone, hasn't worked out at all. Dead end job, school did nothing for me. I literally just exist to work, and have no happy memories at all. I give up. FML
Today, the only colleague I dislike was promoted to be my manager. FML
Today, I met the guy my ex left me for. He's morbidly obese, has no personality, and got her drinking again, even though she has a problem. She says, "I've never been happier." Now everything I've done for my anxiety and depression has come undone, and I can't be convinced there isn't something horribly wrong with me. FML
Today, I'm on sick leave waiting for surgery due to a nasty inner ear infection. When I sneezed yesterday, my balance was suddenly completely gone and now the tiniest movement, like moving to another position on the couch, standing up, or rolling over in my bed, makes me seasick. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to talk to my crush of two years. We went to the same school for a year but then he moved to my old school and became friends with people I knew from primary school. Anyways, I finally got the courage to have a conversation with him on Instagram. Then he blocked me. FML
Today, now our boys are older, my husband doesn’t care what they do. Apparently, if he knows what they’re doing, he’ll have to get off his chair and parent, which will annoy both him and the boys, so it’s easier to let the boys destroy their room, because at least then everyone but me is happy. FML
Today, my dog-obsessed wife complained that we never have sex anymore. Call me crazy but constantly hearing her say how dogs are better than husbands, sleeping with three huge dogs in bed every night, and watching her shove her tongue in the dogs’ mouths doesn’t exactly whip me into a sexual frenzy. FML
Today, I realised that my husband and I have gotten so fat that his already small dick no longer even reaches me. FML
Today, while discussing kids, my fiancé told me he has a kid already with his previous fiancé, but he hates kids so much, he left and moved to this country before it was born. He doesn’t even know if it’s a boy or girl, because he simply doesn’t give a toss. Yes, I’m pregnant. FML
Today, I discovered that my recent binge-watching of “Young Sheldon” has caused me to hear Jim Parsons’s voice narrating everything I read. Including this FML. FML
Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML
Today, I realized that since I was in elementary school, my friends, my workmates, and even my family, all call me accidentally by someone else's name instead of my actual name. I'm 30 years-old. FML
Today, not only is my son stupid enough to spend £50 on a bag of garden weeds because the dealer told him it was marijuana, he's also stupid enough to refuse to believe he was conned, and try to smoke it anyway. FML
Today, I was doubting my boyfriend's feelings for me, so I asked him if he found me attractive. He replied, "Well, you're thin enough…" That's all. FML
Today, I couldn't have a conversation with my mother without it turning into yet another rehash of 20 years of bad family history, like a broken record. An hour later and I just want to jump out of the window. FML
Today, my ex called to ask me to pick up our kids, because she'd scored a hot date and didn't have time, and then didn't answered the phone over the next two hours. I live 80 miles away and have no idea what school they go to, since they moved to a new city. How the fuck did the judge give her full custody? FML
Today, my new neighbor just put up really loud wind chimes. I just got a ton of letters under my door, stating if I don't take them down, they're going to file a noise complaint with the building management. She owns her condo, I don't. FML
Today, my date escaped through a second-storey bathroom window before our drinks even arrived. She later texted me that it wasn’t my fault, I just reminded her too much of her father, even though I’m two years younger than her and look nothing like the photos I've seen of him. FML
Today, someone told me I have male pattern baldness; they thought so because I apparently have a "receding hairline." It's always been this way, I checked my pictures from the time I shaved my head when I was 16. FML
Today, I was walking out of class when I saw one of my friends using the student printer. I'm a very playful person and like teasing and joking with people, so I snuck up behind her and started tickling her. I tickled her, before realizing that I had never met her in my life. FML
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