Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML
Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML
Today, my dad has gone to two different relatives’ weddings in two different states this month alone. I also found out about his big birthday celebration, his BBQ and his trip to Vegas. I saw it all on Facebook. I’ve not been invited to anything, and he never visits me. I live an hour away. FML
Today, my boyfriend is quite capable of getting an erection. He gets one when we watch porn, when I talk dirty to him and do handjobs or blowjobs, but the moment I get naked for the main event, he goes as soft as a boiled noodle. I haven’t been properly shagged in 6 months. FML
Today, whenever I call my father on the phone he never answers, but if I ever ignore his calls he wishes me dead. FML
Today, having my hands full with dog leashes, I hooked a lamp to my jacket to find my way in the dark. The first time I bent over, it fell, burst open and spilled its batteries, so I had to go back and get another flashlight, whose batteries promptly started to fade once I was trying to reassemble the first one. FML
Today, my life is so devoid of love and joy that I seriously considered making junk food my full-time hobby, in the hope of getting diabetes and dying from it. At least that would be a pleasant way to kill myself. FML
Today, I learned that in a battle to not be dehydrated, I achieved something called overhydration. The symptoms of which are similar to being dehydrated. After emptying my body of what has felt like every fluid I’ve ingested ever, I'm now back at square one. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite aunt passed away. The funeral was last Thursday. FML
Today, my wife is angry with me for lying to her and “treating her like a child”. Knowing how long it takes her to get ready, I told her an event we were attending started an hour and a half before it really did. Even with the extra time, we barely made it. She still thinks I’m wrong. FML
Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML
Today, I'd booked a day off work so I could sit and read books all day. I told my wife this, and her response was basically, "Well since you're at home not doing anything important, here’s a list of jobs that need doing." I wasn’t aware enjoying reading counted as doing nothing important. FML
Today, I realized I'm a failure as a man. It's been 17 years since a woman even touched me. I grew up fatherless, have completely lost hope for any chance of a wife or kids. I'm 35 and never been in a relationship. I'm a complete failure because of all this, and have become a monster. FML
Today, and for the first time in my life, I was unable to trust a fart. FML
Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML
Today, I remembered to show some customers at work photos of my cat that I had taken recently, and they love my "flat face" cat. All good, until I scrolled to a whole body nude I had taken to send to my boyfriend. I showed it to an entire family during my breakfast rush. FML
Today, I texted the guy I went out with last night. He'd told me he’d text me when he got home, but he never did. Cracking a joke, I asked him if he was homeless or something, since he broke his word. He replied, “No, I’m just not that into you. Have a nice life.” FML
Today, I started my new job. They let me go after literally one shift. Why? Because I asked if I could use a stool occasionally, since I have rods in my back from major surgery. FML
Today, my Tinder date said it wasn’t gonna work, all because, I “need to lose some extra pounds.” Last week, I'd had another Tinder date and he told me he’d continue seeing me if I dropped at least 30 pounds. I think I get the hint now. FML
Today, I learned that a innie belly button does not clean itself. I can't begin to describe the horrors I found, after using tweezers to get thirty years worth of "contents" out from inside me. FML
Today, I’ve noticed that my boyfriend gets progressively more short-tempered and grumpy as time goes on, until we get to the Friday before we drop my kids off at their dad's house, then for that weekend he’s downright happy, until we have to pick them up Sunday night then he starts getting grumpy again. FML
Today, my seven year-old daughter called me a weirdo. When I yelled and grounded her, she cried and said she thought “weirdo” was a compliment. FML
Today, it's been a week since the last time I talked to the person I care about the most. We've been fighting for 2 months and he hasn't even opened the last message I sent him. I went completely radio silent as part of a bet, because others are convinced that he'll miss me. I don't think he's noticed. FML
Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML
Today, someone who lives off the government stated that all I do as a front line nurse is wipe arses, and that I know nothing about Covid because I'm not a doctor. He refuses to get the vaccine as well. FML
Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said, "See ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I was calling her ugly. FML
Today, a friend from our circle group told me that my behavior of responding to her stories with another related story of mine was annoying. I'm was sorry about that and decided to introspect and not show up in our group chat for a while. Then I realized I'm a toxic person. FML
Today, I reached to pick out a booger stuck in my nose that had been irritating me, and ended up poking myself in the eye. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend, who was half asleep at 3 am, saying he was yelling my name because he needed toilet paper. We don’t even live together. FML
Today, a group project for work was due. I honestly forgot about it and edited some words to make it seem like I worked on it. Did you know that Google Docs spreadsheet can track not only the changes made, but who made the changes? My colleagues were pissed. FML
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