Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
Today, going through my late grandmother's papers, I found out that my grandfather had never been in the Nazi party. The reason he was not allowed to work as a teacher was that he had never passed his university exams. He found an invented Nazi past less shameful than academic failure. FML
Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML
Today, the nicest present I received for my 18th birthday was a free razor in the mail. It was then stolen by my mom. FML
ezrocks4u tells us more.
ezrocks4u 29
Hi, OP here. To give some context, I got a few t shirts for my birthday. My birthday was a month ago(thanks for the birthday wishes!) but only found out about the fact that my mom stole said razor a day ago, because I saw the package addressed to me in the trash. Needless to say, it is too late to steal back. I had posted another birthday FML(from the actual day of) never got posted. Got locked outside of my car in the rain for 3 hours, couldn't afford a locksmith, and missed my birthday dinner.
Today, I was confiding in my grandma about how lonely I am and how everything in my life seems to be falling apart. While I was in mid-sentence, she rolled her eyes and made a show of removing her hearing aid. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she has decided to become a stay-at-home mom for our dog. FML
connorcaffery tells us more.
A little background info. I've been with my girlfriend for four years- She is not the type to make me work while she does shit all. We did have a long talk about this. She is just very stressed out as she is not here for 3 days out of the week because she makes a 2 hour commute to and from university every week and when she is here she works. She is just stressed and tired and feeling guilty about not spending enough time with our dog pepsi. She is not lazy, and certainly not a bitch just struggling keeping up with all aspects of her life right now. Thanks to all the nice and supportive comments we both appreciate them. :)
Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML
Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML
Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML
Today, my dad decided that campground bathrooms are disgusting and that on our upcoming camping trip, we'll have to keep a bucket of cat litter in our tent in case we want to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML
zachjm98 tells us more.
OP here!! Wow, thanks for the funny comments, guys! If I knew this would have gotten featured so quickly I would have made an account beforehand! Anyways, quick follow-up: This "class" of mine is actually a co-op program in music for songwriting/recording/touring which I'm doing a second time now. My teacher knows me well, the student in question is my best friend and her father found the incident to be quite funny actually. All is good!
Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML
Today, I was convinced to face my fears of rollercoasters by a friend. I'm writing this at the highest point of the ride after being stuck over thirty minutes. FML
VHBJ tells us more.
VHBJ 13
Hi OP Here For those wondering, it was the Fury at Carowinds. I've heard rumors of it stopping a lot, but is been really hoping to beat my fear. My state of mind was millions do this, just think to yourself you know it will end so enjoy the ride. Imagine my surprise when the ride stops. No more coasters any time soon. Thanks for the supportive comments.
Today, I got excited about finishing up my laundry detergent and softener, because I could get new ones. FML
WretchedOnyx tells us more.
WretchedOnyx 29
OP here. Can't believe this actually got published. Insight time: we've been stuck in the little-to-no-money rut for a about a year now. The detergent we had smelled like hospitals and that weird plastic-y smell you get hit with at the dentist's office. We finally have enough money to get the stuff that has an actual scent instead of whatever "clean breeze" is supposed to be, so it's a small victory that is actually quite symbolic to us. Your comments had me laughing. A lot of you are right; enjoy the little things. You tend to miss out if you overlook them :)
Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML
Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML
Today, I had a nightmare and woke up terrified, scaring my roommate. What was the dream? That I'd had a panic attack because my box of Honey Nut Cheerios was torn and the bag inside was improperly folded. FML
smoothies14 tells us more.
smoothies14 32
The sad part was there wasn't even a box of cheerios in the room at the time (even though there usually is). I had to go to my food spot and double check anyway so I could sleep.
Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML
Today, on a nature hike, covered in poison oak rashes from the day before, I accidentally stepped on a hornets' nest. I'm now covered in hornet stings and I can't scratch the poison oak because I might accidentally touch the stings. FML
RHChiliPeppers tells us more.
Hey there! OP here. I am completely alive and well although I have developed a hatred for hornets. On the plus side, I did get a pretty badass nickname! - Hornet Bait (RHChiliPeppers)
Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML
Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML
Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML
Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML
Today, one of my idiot classmates decided it was a good idea to throw his water bottle across the room to his friend. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of his friend. I now have a very noticeable bruise and bump near my temple along with a headache. Everybody laughed at me. Even the teacher. FML
Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML
Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML
Today, I drove across two states to see my brother, who's had a history of heart problems. My mother had sent me a long e-mail saying he was on his death bed and wanted to talk to me to "get his affairs in order." When I arrived worriedly, he was fine. My mother guilt-tripped me to come visit. FML
Today, I finally finished restoring a car after working on it for 6 months, so I took it out for a drive. On the way back, I stopped at a red light, but the drunk driver behind me didn't. FML
A07 tells us more.
Hey guys, I'm the OP. It was 67 mustang fastback and I was driving it home from the workshop late at night. And to all those wondering, no the car didn't survive because the asshole was driving a truck, it's sitting in a garage but I don't even know if I'm going to go look at it for a while now.
Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML
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