Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML
Today, my dad's psycho ex broke in and had a meltdown about how he's dating another woman now. She's barely 100 pounds, yet it took me and my brother several minutes and one smashed shin to finally manage to drag her out of the house, all while my dad called the cops. FML
Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML
Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML
Today, the guy I like finally called to ask me to go grab a drink with him. I just moved six hours away. FML
funnyhowthatwork tells us more.
Op here, I explained just how far I moved (since I only mentioned moving but not the distance) We are meeting up in a few weeks to have that drink!
Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML
Today, I was at a bar with my girlfriend, and I noticed an obnoxious guy from college I used to hang out with. I tried to avoid eye contact, but all of a sudden he shouted, "There's the guy who puked his margarita back into the glass!" Everyone stared. Yup, that was me, just last week. FML
Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML
Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. to the sound of my cat knocking things over. It wasn't until my boyfriend sat upright and checked, that I realized it actually wasn't our cat, but my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend trying to get into our second-story window. This isn't the first time she's done this. FML
WendigogoAway tells us more.
OP here (I made this account after submitting this, I didn't think it would get accepted.) Basically after her constantly cheating on him, claiming he was abusive despite her being physically abusive to him, and lying all the time, he'd had enough and threw her out since she decided to keep going back and forth between him and another guy. (And she had the balls to claim she was pregnant with his kid, even though she was on birth control). She'd left a ton of her stuff, and even though he'd texted her/called her to tell her that if she didn't pick it up he'd throw it all out, she never replied or made any indication that she was going to pick it up. Suddenly she thinks it's a good idea to come at over at random times, climb the side of the house, and try to get in the window, saying she needs to get in the garage and get some old stuff. (I have no idea why, because there's literally nothing in there that is worth this much trouble.) The reason why she climbs the side of the house is because my boyfriend and I both live with his dad by paying rent and just living upstairs. His dad doesn't want her around the house anymore because of their previous arguments, which made the environment depressing, and the fact that she put a hole in the wall before. This was the last straw, she hadn't come around for months and after shooing her away this time, we're going to take legal action if it happens again. Neither of us knew how to properly react since it was so early in the morning that we just wanted to get some sleep. (I couldn't manage to fall asleep until at least 9AM)
Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML
Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML
Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML
Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML
Today, I was practicing for a Cambodian ceremony. I'm American. My fiancée is Cambodian. While doing the practice, I had six people in my face telling me what to do, all at the same time. I got frustrated and accidentally blurted out, "This is fucking retarded." Now the whole family is mad at me. FML
rcoale1983 tells us more.
rcoale1983 11
Hi everyone. I'm the one who posted this. I knew I would get slaughtered in the comments, totally expected it. I wasn't able to explain everything in 300 characters. So here goes... my fiancee and I have been together for 8 years. I have nothing against her culture. If I did, we wouldn't be getting married. I've been to many Cambodian events and never had an issue. It's interesting going to these things. It's different and it's a new experience. Anyways, during this practice, everything was going smooth up until I had the whole family questioning me all at the same time. There's a part in the ceremony where I have to kneel down. I'm a disabled vet. My left knee is shot. I can't kneel down. The whole family knows this. When I refused to kneel down, everyone was shocked that my knee is bad. They've known about my knees since forever. That's when everyone decided to start hounding me and that's when I said, "this is ******* retarded." I didn't mean at all for it to come out. It just came out. Never at any point was it directed at their culture. It was directed at everybody there acting all surprised about my knees and everybody there questioning me and trying tell me what to do all at the same time. What I said was completely said out of frustration.
Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML
Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML
Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML
Today, I woke up to my husband peeing on the floor. He managed to pee in two open clothes drawers and on the pants I was going to wear to work tomorrow. Before I left earlier he promised he wouldn't get smashed tonight. FML
Today, my mom got so desperate to find me a woman, she went to see a medium. I don't have the guts to tell her I'm gay. FML
inappropes tells us more.
inappropes 31
Wow this got posted. Ok so here is some background. She thinks I am bisexual. And is already wanting grandchildren. I am 24 and she mentions it alot. And I do want children one day....but that day is far off. She has 6 grandchildren from my step brothers but she really wants biological ones. About the medium part. Out of the blue she texts me asking if im interested in a specific looking woman, then tells me her medium said to be on the look out for her. I had no idea my mom believed in that crap. So I thought it was funny she went to one. She REALLY wants me to find a woman. Thanks for the encouragement and jokes. They brightened my day.
Today, I went on my first date in seven months. We hit it off really well, having a lot of things in common. The only thing we don't have in common is a tan line from a wedding ring. FML
tbrown0089 tells us more.
tbrown0089 16
Hi op here! I'm only twenty. I have plenty of time to date. This happened months ago anyways. I have an amazing boyfriend now. And yes I was single for seven months. You would too if you catch your ex sleeping with your cousin. It was a wedding ring and he is still happily married with a baby on the way.
Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML
Today, I have a huge crush on my best friend who views me as his little sister. My coworker found out and has since been making incest jokes. FML
millie_marie tells us more.
OP here! I felt like I should probably clear a few things up. He's been my best friend since we met first semester of college, and we tell each other everything. Our relationship has ALWAYS been brother/sister, but we went to a late showing of Suicide Squad over the weekend and he slept at my house since it was almost one in the morning when the movie ended. And we both cuddle with the person in bed with us, and I realized I must have been catching feelings for a while because I really wanted more than that. He's interested in someone else (again, we tell each other everything), so I know nothing's going to come of that. As for my coworker, someone said to let him know what he's doing is harassment, but he and I joke with each other all the time. We work at a place where if we all don't joke around and make fun of each other, we'd go crazy trying to stay sane. He is an ass, but he'll stop eventually. It's just that it stings a bit now because he wasted no time when in the past he's waited until I'm out of my bad mood about the situation. Thanks for the support and jokes, guys. It made me feel a bit better (:
Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML
Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML
Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML
Today, I learned that marriage isn't all roses and sunshine. Instead, it's digging an infected ingrown hair out of your husband's ass cheek because he can't reach it himself. FML
snazz23 tells us more.
snazz23 20
OP here! So, we're very open about our gross habits. We have no problem popping each others pimples and such. I was actually the one to point out the infection and asked if he wanted me to get it. I'm not grossed out by it, I simply found it funny that everyone always says what bliss being a newlywed is and here I am squeezing and digging and infected hair our of my husband!
Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I share it with a guy I've been seeing for over six months. I showed up with a handmade pie and a gift bag. His ex-girlfriend accepted it for him, as he was busy. FML
lostmykeys tells us more.
Follow up - He was back together with her and neglected to tell me. He was having a dinner date with her when I arrived, so I kind of handed over the gifts and walked away. and cornyrob - Super funny you'd mention the wedding singer. That's his favourite rom-com. Although in this situation, my adam sandler was most definitely aware his Linda was around. It really kills me that this made it onto the FMLs.
Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML
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