Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML
Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML
Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis, bought a Mercedes, along with having a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive, until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML
Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML
Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML
Today, my partner and I got called out to a domestic disturbance. Things turned ugly while we were en-route. Long story short, I now know how many grown men it takes to lift a nearly 400lb shit-covered woman onto a stretcher. I almost reconsidered my choice of career. FML
Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML
Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML
Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university two years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML
Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML
Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML
Today, I was trying to get a piece of apple that was stuck in between my teeth. A chunk of my tooth came out instead. FML
whitnayfortooh tells us more.
I grind my teeth pretty violently at night which caused the chip. Not bad dental hygiene ;)
Today, even though I've been studying and working with children and adolescents for the last 14 years, I've come to find that their parents' behavior tends to be worse than their children's. FML
sarcasticjane tells us more.
OP here. Thank you all for your comments and stories. They definitely made my day. I am in the psychology field. When I first started in the field, parents were more apt to work WITH their children and change behaviors in the home. It was not something that took 14 years to realize as much as it's amazing how in just 14 years the parents have changed into the "fix my child" and don't want to work on their part of the issues. Not all parents; I still have a few good ones in the group, but that day was back to back parents. Thank you all again.
Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML
Today, through a mutual friend I met with a girl from Netherlands for dinner. At some point, she told me I have an Antillean accent, referring to the Dutch Antilles. I was born and raised nowhere near those islands, but my former boyfriend of 5 years is Antillean. Now I have his accent. FML
Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML
Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML
Today, I spoke to a highly recommended therapist for my special-needs child. After 45 minutes of describing our challenges, heartbreaks and other very personal information, she told me that her schedule was permanently full. But she invited me to go through the phone book to find someone else. FML
Hi_Five tells us more.
Hi_Five 7
OP here - uh, no. You are making things up out of whole cloth. I would never self-diagnose my kid. We have been through years of trying to get the best help we can find, and that does not include charlatans, vaccine-deniers and the internet. Try again.
Today, I was told that the cutoff date for dropping out of one of my classes was last Friday. Which would have been fine if the school website had the right information when I checked it last Friday. They're ignoring my screenshots proving as such. FML
juniorleo tells us more.
OP here. I know that screenshots aren't very good evidence, but it was basically all I had (since the website had been updated since). I'm on a quarter system so there's not enough time to go with a lot of your ideas, though I appreciate you guys trying. Oh, and I did go to my parents. Not for help, since I did everything possible before I called them about it, but they didn't believe me either. （´・ω・｀） Shit just sucks sometimes.
Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML
Today, I was getting my picture taken with my mom and grandma for a portrait. I said it was going to be beautiful when it was done, with three generations of our family in it. My grandma said that would be true, if I weren't adopted. FML
GraceWaldorf93 tells us more.
Hi guys! OP here :) Well, after a long talk with my parents, turns out I am adopted. It certainly came as a shock to me because my grandma (yup, same one) spoils me to this day. I am 22 years old and I am the only adopted grandchild and am yet my grandma's favorite (I'm not even kidding!). I gave her her first great-grandchild and she loves him more than life itself. Granted, I would have preferred to have found out another way, but it doesn't affect me at all. Thank you for the nice comments!
Today, I grazed my hand over the bottom of my desk's keyboard tray, and found something sticky. I gagged when I realized it was jizz, and I immediately washed my hands and wiped everything. I then checked my browser history, which was full of porn. Thanks, roomie. FML
katluvnc tells us more.
katluvnc 10
Computer is now password protected. It wasn't before cause I let him use my computer for school work, but obviously, he was using it for other purposes!
Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML
Today, while at a fast food restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the men's restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML
Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML
Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML
Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML
Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML
Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML
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