Today, I mustered up the courage to take a dump in a public toilet so I went to the disabled toilet in our university library. I did my thing, the flush didn't work, I pulled the red string thinking it would do something and a buzzer started ringing throughout the whole university. FML
Today, I started this show and was really confused what was happening until I realized I accidentally started from the last episode so I basically ruined the whole show for myself. FML
Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML
Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML
Today, I asked my mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year-old guy. FML
Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.
Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML
Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML
Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip it up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turned around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML
Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year-old son pointed at a lady and exclaimed, “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML
Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML
Today, I found out the guy I was seeing was married, with a kid, when his wife sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML
Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML
Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML
Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML
Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML
Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML
Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML
Today, I was waiting in line at the store trying to hold in a fart. I get to the cash register and the lady made me laugh and the fart slipped out. Only it was much louder than it was supposed to be, because I was squeezing my butt cheeks together, so it made a clapping sound. It was heard. FML
Today, the school I applied to work for told me they were not going to schedule an interview. Why? Because they think my papers and name are fake. My name is Seymour Skinner. I’m not joking. FML
Today, I got on the bus and the driver said I didn't have to pay since the ticket machine was broken. I was happy to have saved £2.40 until I realised someone had stolen my new £700 phone while I was talking to the driver. FML
Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML
Today, I received my 12-month diet plan from an online coach. It said, “Eat less calories lol.” I just lost £175. FML
Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML
Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML
Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML
Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML
Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML
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