All the FMLs

Respect

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

Make it stop

Today, I'm babysitting. The kids have only been home at the same time together for 15 minutes. Two of them have punched each other and the other is running in circles screaming. What is wrong with this picture? FML

Store brand

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out, and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. Twenty minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

Today, I was kicked out of my aunt's house for being 15 minutes late for her to pick me up. She told me she doesn't want me to come home and left me in a panicked mess. My sister and brother are on her side and refuse to talk to me. I'm now couch surfing. FML

Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML

Today, while doing my disabled client's makeup I got my period. I'm hoping that she didn't notice a red stain on her white bedspread when I stood up. FML

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

Today, I found out my 8th period science teacher got fired. Our final is tomorrow. FML

Today, has been a very long day, so I shall simply say there is a car in my bedroom. Yes a car. It's entirely my husband's fault, we have no idea how we're supposed to remove it, and there's oil all down my favourite pyjamas. FML

Today, my two year old got out of her crib while I was sleeping and destroyed $700 worth of my makeup from Sephora. FML

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

Annoying

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me four times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift two days in a row, because apparently that's "insensitive" of me. FML

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

Today, I bought a car off my aunt, then I got 7 speeding tickets. Apparently my aunt forgot to tell me the speedometer is faulty, so while I thought I was doing a safe 28 or 29 mph in the 30 zone on my way to work, I was probably doing closer to 35 or 36. FML

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant but don’t know who the Dad is. My Mom said “that’s alright, I still don’t know who your dad is”. So apparently my father isn’t my real Dad. FML

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

Today, someone I've been crushing on admitted they're attracted to me too. We hooked up, but now she says we can't date because she is already dating someone. I feel terrible for them, and now know she isn't the kind of person I thought she was. FML

Today after flying 9+ hours to meet my future month in-law, I had to take a pee in the rubbish bucket from her car in front of her, I said in my very bad Japanese, “So I guess we are good friends now!” She responded with a confident, “Yes!” FML

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

Today, my former coworker called to ask if he could get it on with my ex-husband. The same ex I was married to for 20 years without knowing anything about his other life. I've been replaced by an overweight, middle-aged furry. FML.

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bathroom, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

Today, my work's annual Christmas party is at 3:00. Everyone in the office is off work at 2:00, except me and the boss who is staying 'til 4:00. I have been informed the boss is leaving early today to attend the Christmas party, but I need to lock up when I leave at 4:00. FML

Today, as I walked out of a club, I slipped in my new shoes and spilled my chicken, chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people see me do this, but my dress is ruined. FML

Today, I saw some random iTunes charge on my bank account so I called who I thought was iTunes customer support to figure out the $5 charge, then got scammed into buying $1,400 worth of gift cards. The man on the phone was not with iTunes and took all my money. FML

Today, my car fob died on me when I was going to get donations because my house burnt down two days ago, FML