All the FMLs

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. FML

Today, I was refereeing at a kids' soccer tournament and a deer ran across one of the fields. Some of the parents then claimed that a deer on the field meant a free kick. FML

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

Thanks, asshole

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

Today, I called my boyfriend. He answered with, "Hey, I'll call you back when this goes to commercial." FML

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. FML

Today, I figured out the bank account my mom set up for me is actually a joint account, and she gets half the money I deposit. I have been putting money in there for 10 years. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I can stop using makeup, because it's "not working." FML

Monday, Monday, so good to me…

Today, I was scolded by my boss, all because I can finish most tasks in a quarter of the time it takes him, and he doesn't want to be shown up. FML

It wasn't me

Today, I got a letter summoning me to court for leaving the scene of a car accident I had in London. I live in Manchester and don't own a car. FML

Sussy

Today, my husband is still swearing he’s not cheating, forgetting I have a bachelor's in criminal justice with a minor in criminology. Leaving for work 2 hours early going to the same address every morning? Late every evening going to the same said address? How stupid does he think I am? FML

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

Today, I was called stupid by a customer, after I supposedly got his order wrong. He then threw his ice cream cone on the floor, tracked it around the store, and left. While I was cleaning it up, he came back and tripped me right into the mop water, spilling it everywhere. FML

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

Thanks, I guess…

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

Et tu, Chandler?

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

Boing

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

Today, my best friend got drunk and told me he's only friends with me because no one else will be friends with him. He then went on to tell me that he wasn't actually that drunk. FML

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

Today, I found out my mom booked me a flight to stay with relatives who I don't like, and who don't like me. I leave in two days, and don't return until the day before school starts. FML

Today, I fell off my chair, then missed it completely trying to sit back down. FML

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

Butter fingers

Today, I was walking into work holding a coffee and a bunch of other things. My employee saw me and held the door. I was almost there when I dropped my coffee, tried to catch it, tripped over the curb and fell flat on my face. I heard the door close while still lying there. FML

Health drive

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

Today, I got mistaken for a high school freshman. It’s my 23rd birthday. FML

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML