All the FMLs

Today, I realized that I haven’t lost weight. All my clothes have just stretched to fit. FML

Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML

Is it slander or libel?

Today, I posted a review, on a strictly anonymous site, about a doctor I went to see for my anxiety but who actually made me worse. A while later, the same doctor called my home phone, addressed me by my full name and threatened to sue me for slander if I didn't take down the review. All of which was 100% true. FML

Today, I made a nice meal for myself and sat down to eat. Suddenly, my dad burst into my room saying, “We have to go.” This isn’t the first time it’s happened, nor was it an emergency. My family just doesn’t tell me when we have plans. FML

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

Today, I moved back into my room, which I'd sublet for a few months. The subtenant never paid any rent and is gone, but she did leave me something: my own underwear on the floor, which she apparently liked to wear, but didn't seem to like to wash. FML

Today, I was prescribed two different medications. I was also informed that they will both give me diarrhea for the next two weeks. FML

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

Today, I lost my phone during a hike up Mount Washington. Luckily, it was reported to the office, and they called my wife. Too bad we had already been driving for at least four hours. FML

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

Cats give great advice like "Shit in a box!"

Today, I can't sleep. I don't know what's crazier, the fact that I have been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for about 5 hours, or that I have been asking my cat for advice. FML

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

Today, I found out I'm starting to get varicose veins, typical in older people who don't move enough. I'm 34 and I get 9 hours of exercise a week. FML

Thanks, I guess…

Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was by accident. FML

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

Today, I was at work serving customers at the checkout. A girl was brushing the floor behind me. I turned around and whichever way she brushed, the brush hit me twice straight in the balls before she noticed anything. She had to serve the rest of the customers while I recovered. FML

Get off my lawn!

Today, my landlord asked me to get rid of the flower boxes I have at the window in the stairwell. Why? Because they are disgusting. Why are they disgusting? Because his cat keeps using them as a litter box. FML

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

Today, I thought I was seeing double. My neighbours got a new dog, which is exactly the same as the other one, except that it hates me twice as much. FML

Mom! Stop!

Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. We're in the middle of nowhere and have a 4-hour drive home. FML

Today, I moved into my new flat only to notice it's right across from a frequently used railway line. FML

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML