All the FMLs

Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

Discrimination

Today, the only man who has ever fallen in love with me is bald. FML

Today, I marked 600 emails in my gmail inbox as spam and it will take me hours to go through and unmark them. FML

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML

Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

FIRE!

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

Today, I crashed my car while racing backwards, so told my parents I was rear-ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

Today, my first and only true date ended with the girl saying, "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian." FML

Today, I'm spending New Year's Eve absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with strangers and booze. Somehow, I still love her. FML

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

Another fine mess

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

Today, after seeing a girl for a few weeks on and off I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go out the next saturday. Predictive text changed "go" to "in". So..."Why don't we in out on saturday?" She stopped calling me. FML

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

Today, I went swimming. While I was walking along side of the pool, everyone was staring at me. I began to think that my diet was really working. It was only an hour later, in the changing rooms, that I noticed the string from my Tampax that was sticking out of my swimming costume. FML

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

Today, I found out that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

Bedtime story

Today, I was babysitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two-hour struggle, I finally managed to get them into bed. I then asked them what they wanted before going to sleep. The eldest replied: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

News to me

Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying, "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up." I certainly wasn't aware. FML