Nearly FML

By ty4nothing - 09/04/2016 13:06

Today, a table of 11 came into the restaurant I work at 5 minutes before the kitchen closed, spent half an hour looking at menus then walked out without ordering anything. FML.

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By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 13:01 - United Kingdom - Greenock

Today, I found out that I am not the father of my cheating ex-fiance's child. I am however his uncle. fml

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By Teach - 09/04/2016 12:45 - United States - Greeley

Today, as a fifth grade teacher, I was treated to one of my kids ferociously digging around in his nose. When I called on him to read, he finished inspecting his "find", popped it in his mouth and said..."yum!" This is a daily thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 12:43 - United States - Houston

My dog decided it'd be a good idea to randomly jump on the bed while my fiancé and I were having sex. She bit my vagina. FML.

agreeclassic 4

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By ?? - 09/04/2016 12:32 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I got a text from my girl saying "babe I love u so much I'm ready to have sex with u." I was so excited cuz I loved her but I didn't read the last part and it said "I'm ready jake." My names not jake its Caleb FML

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By hamsterello - 09/04/2016 11:38 - Australia - Hawker

Today, I received an award at my cadets camp, for "Most likely to have filmed a porno / be a porn star". This wouldn't be too bad, except the camp was a week long and was boys-only. FML

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By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 10:51 - United Kingdom - Sheerness

Today, I went on a 6 hour walk with my dog... no one noticed I was gone. FML

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By ClockworkPoleaxe - 09/04/2016 10:30 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, in PE class, we were talking about menopause and the teacher said, "Menopause is the stage where women cannot have children." I blurted out "Expiration date," and now every girl and the teacher is out to get me. FML

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By wellinmynews - 09/04/2016 09:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had set up a new security camera to keep me and my girlfriends house safer, at work I go to check it, only to find out she's giving a bj to her "best friend" she told me not to worry about.

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By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 09:46

Today, while hiking alone for the first time, I had to take a leak. I ended up wiping with what turned out to be a poison ivy leaf. FML

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By I didn't know they were testing that - 09/04/2016 09:38 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my psychiatrist refused to refill my prescription because my pulse and blood pressure were slightly elevated after going up the three flights of stairs to get there. FML

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By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 09:33

Today I got car sick. Usually this happens if I read something while the car is moving. Unfortunately for me, it also happens if I just think about reading or doing something in the car. FML.

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By howxvery - 09/04/2016 09:31 - United States - Framingham

Today, I woke up at 3 a.m with horrendous stomache cramps. Unfortunately, another family member clogged up both of our two toilets, leaving me with no option but to venture outside in 30° weather to take a shit. FML.

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By tired - 09/04/2016 09:14 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got the standard "you shouldn't stay up so late" lecture from my dad. The only reason I was up so late was because he was doing god knows what on his computer until 3am and refused to turn off the hall light, which shines directly into my room. FML

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By stillneedingtopee - 09/04/2016 08:53 - United States - Seattle

Today, I went out drinking with coworkers. Arriving at home, I had to pee so badly that I couldn't hold it in and peed outside my apartment building. And then was caught by my neighbors peeing my pants because I forgot to pull them down. Fml.

agreeclassic 3

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By joanikens - 09/04/2016 08:13 - United States - Buena Park

Today I caught my new roommate a friend recommended trying to light the curtains on fire to "see what happens". I'm scared to go to work. FML

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By SomeAsshole - 09/04/2016 06:48 - Denmark

Today, my girlfriend broke up over text. While in the same house. Fml.

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By Why have thou forsaken me! - 09/04/2016 06:34 - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, my ex-girlfriend came to visit my parents to "check up" on them before she moved to United States. She asked to go in my room and they said yes. Now I come back to my room, broken window, stolen TV, ripped up mattress, missing consoles and my stash of $2,000 gone. It's long gone now. FML.

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By thanks Obama - 09/04/2016 06:24 - United States - Walla Walla

Today, I realized that when a fly lands on your crotch, you should not swat it. FML.

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By bellethirty - 09/04/2016 06:08 - United States - Rochester

Today, my supervisor was in a terrible mood. She threw an English muffin at me to start. The day progressed with verbal harassments. The bad thing is that I can't do anything about it since no one cares - especially since her last day is coming up. FML

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By mswizzle56 - 09/04/2016 05:36 - United States - Camarillo

Today, my friend and I decided that it was a good idea to play a prank on one of the hottest guys at school so we texted him with a number he wouldn't recognize. It was going well until he key logged my number and traced it back to me. He threatened to tell everyone that I'm a creep. FML

agreeclassic 3

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By screamkid - 09/04/2016 05:30 - United States - Ashburn

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. I received four mosquito bites on my buttcheeks, and $30 to iTunes. My brother stole the iTunes money; I got to keep the mosquito bites. FML.

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By kkilburn27 - 09/04/2016 04:55 - United States - Amarillo

Today, I received a text message from my ex-boyfriend's dad. It said "Why aren't we friends on Facebook anymore?" FML

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By blupariah - 09/04/2016 04:37 - United States - Delhi

Today, I had the perfect opportunity to tell my owners I'm going to stop doing the assistant manager duties unless they pay me the assistant manager wage. Turns out even after a few beers with them, I'm still too much of a puss. FML.

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By it's me - 09/04/2016 03:52 - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my cat after many weeks of infection and vet visits for her eye, it fell out. FML

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By Pussyslayer666 - 09/04/2016 03:26 - United States

Today, I got the cops called on me because I screamed and my neighbor thought I was in trouble. the reason I screamed was because my toaster scared me FML

agreeclassic 3

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By MarkRoberge - 09/04/2016 03:23 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized I fart when I'm aroused. FML

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By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 03:17 - United States - Altamonte Springs

A few weeks ago my manager found out our new employee did not have a clean background check. As shift lead she asked for my opinion and we agreed to give him a chance. Today we found out that he's been calling the owner to complain about us not doing our jobs. That's what I get for being nice I guess. FML.

agreeclassic 3

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By KajjahWolfe - 09/04/2016 03:09 - United States - Myrtle Beach

Today, I parked far out in the Walmart parking lot, so i wouldn't come back to a smashed car. I come back half an hour later to my passenger side mirror hanging off... FML

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By Coniferously - 09/04/2016 03:02 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, right before sex, I nonchalantly mentioned that I had pee. This usually wouldn't be a big deal, but my 25-year-old boyfriend refused to have sex with me until after I went, in fear of me peeing on him - whilst he was inside. I was hoping it was a joke, but it wasn't. I am dating an idiot. FML

agreeclassic 4

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Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

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Today, my husband wants to go on a trip to Tulum with his friend. I suggested I go as well, but he refused because it’s a "friends trip." He assures me that he "won’t sleep in the same bed with her or anything." I had to explain why it was still inappropriate. He still doesn’t get it. FML

agreeclassic 1 142

vote type 1 243

Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML

agreeclassic 9 116

vote type 1 1 755

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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vote type 1 4 438

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

agreeclassic 21 395

vote type 1 1 529

Today, I was playing Spikeball with some friends when the ball got lost and went rolling towards a pond. As I sprinted to grab it before it fell in the water, my shoe came off, causing me to trip and faceplant into the mud. I then watched as the ball rolled into the pond. FML

agreeclassic 686

vote type 1 147