Nearly FMLs

By heart eyes - 08/04/2016 01:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dream girl to prom, and she said yes. A few hours later, a boy in my math class found out and threatened me because he'd wanted to ask her. To avoid getting possibly maimed, I had to tell her that I only asked her as a joke, making him look like the good guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 4

By mellamononeyobiz - 08/04/2016 01:09 - United States

Today, I found out that my Adv. Biology teacher and my mom have a date to go have a beer together on the day of my graduation to celebrate good riddance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By FREEDOBBY - 08/04/2016 01:02 - United States - Pearland

Today, my nephew continued to scream over a glass of water that he spilled....for an hour. He's six years old. I can't hear anything now, because I was designated to try and calm him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By DontdowhatIdid - 08/04/2016 01:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had an essay that contributes 17.5% to my university subject grade. Our whole class knew the 4 essay prompts leading up to the essay. I thought it would be a good idea to prioritise my focus on 3 out of the 4 essay prompts. Guess which one i ended up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By IndominusRekt - 08/04/2016 00:50 - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted our first kiss to be in the rain. and to my luck it started raining soon after. and just as I was about to lean in I slipped and face planted into her boobs. she punched me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 00:43 - United States

Today, I woke up put on my hoodie and heard a buzzing, turns out I had a wasp in my hoodie that I didn't know about, FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 00:17 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I walked in on an employee in the bathroom. We only have one bathroom let me remind you. I opened the door and all I see is an asshole. Apparently my co worker, after taking a dump, likes to use a wet paper towel instead of toilet paper. Also he likes to wipe it no where near the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 00:14 - United States - Denver

Today, I asked my dad if he had written me any of the music I've been asking for for 3 weeks. He hasn't started yet, but he has started writing a song titled "Hankey Pankey Under the Blankey". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By UpsetAirman - 08/04/2016 00:13 - United States - Durham

Today, I received my first camouflage uniform which I have been waiting months for. I tried on my pants only to find a gigantic ink stain right on the front of it and the person who gave out the uniforms won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By SadPanda - 08/04/2016 00:03 - United States - Yuba City

Today, I am in the ER in pain, bleeding, and potentially miscarrying. However, I am stuck in the waiting room while they treat headaches and methamphetamine withdrawls before giving me an ultrasound. What a great medical system we have. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Friedan - 07/04/2016 23:56 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, a crazy old Jewish woman yelled at me for "hating her people" and "believing hitler was right". all because I had a shirt with German writing on it. It said "peace". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By nash1991 - 07/04/2016 23:44 - United States - Bethel

Today, my motorcycle got stolen within 12 days of buying it. This is the 2nd time it happened. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By KneeJerker - 07/04/2016 23:41 - United States - Lafayette

Today, one of my school friends added me to a group chat on an app. I don't know what it was, but I don't want to open the app again due to some odd fetish porn that somebody sent in the chat of over 75 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By laka laka - 07/04/2016 23:36 - United States - Reston

Today, my brother asked me if I was pregnant, I replied with "no why would think that". Then he told me that it was because my stomach was getting fatter FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

By Richsauce50 - 07/04/2016 23:30 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was outside, laying down and throwing a baseball up in the air. I threw it as hard as I could. Then watched it come down onto my crotch. Thanks gravity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 23:16 - Belgium - Zottegem

Today, after my boyfriend caught me masturbating in bed he told me to take my business elsewhere... And to be "quiet" while I'm at it ... FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 3

By Me - 07/04/2016 23:08 - United States - Opelousas

Today, I went to see a chiropractor for a recent accident that hurt my back. While doing the electric shock therapy, the two women next to me loudly talked about, and ruined, a show I've been watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By ineedthecops911 - 07/04/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I was coming home from school and I have to take two busses. At my first bus stop, there was a creepy old guy staring at me and trying to make it seem like he wasn't. At my second stop, there were two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Another case of bad timing - 07/04/2016 22:08 - United States - Trumansburg

Today, I decided would be the day to tell the girl at work who I've been falling for (the first girl I've fallen for in a long time), how I felt. Before I got the chance she decided to tell me something funny that happened to her and her boyfriend last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 22:02 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I was working on an essay in my English class. Everyone was being really quiet. I had the feeling that one gets when they are about to sneeze. I tucked my face into my arm hoping to muffle it. The sneeze was silent, but the fart wasn't. I farted so loud that no one even heard the sneeze.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Spoonplunger - 07/04/2016 21:56 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, I clogged the one and only toilet at work. There is no plunger so I used a spoon to chop up the poo blocking the pipe into little pieces. It worked but I will never be able to look at the silverware at work the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Allstarshooter - 07/04/2016 21:49 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got caught sleeping under my desk at work after having a stomach bug that kept me up all night. Not only do I still have the runs, I am also out of a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By Oops - 07/04/2016 21:46 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was trying to get my overfilled backpack out of my locker. I'm really paranoid when walking home, so I always keep a folding knife tucked away inside. When I finally managed to tug my backpack out, the knife flew out and skittered across the hall... right in front of a teacher. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 21:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, I left my keys on a bench at school. I returned to said bench, only to find out some 'good Samaritan' took them to the lost and found. They didn't take them to the lost and found and I have no idea who has them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 20:58 - United States - Canton

Today after waking excited for my paycheck and federal tax return to arrive to get our baby new clothes, I logged into my account to find my unemployed wife's student loan charges totally negated our financial gain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By bordersz - 07/04/2016 20:56 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was walking out of a gas station when a clearly drunk guy whistled and said 'hey pretty lady can I get your number?' I'm a guy. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By IndominusRekt - 07/04/2016 20:51 - United States - Columbia

Today, when I was at school I went to kiss the girl I like in the rain. but instead slipped on the mud and faceplanted into her boobs. she proceeded to smack me and won't talk to me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By hugginsman76 - 07/04/2016 20:47 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while working at the pier, I ran off to a nearby restaurant for a bathroom break. I walk inside and almost instantly step in some huge pile of shit on the floor. My boss then chewed me out for taking so long because I had to stay and clean my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Always the Associate, Never the Lead - 07/04/2016 20:41 - United States - Groves

Today, For the first time since I started working at my current job, I had to say no to a sudden, seemingly optional call in from my assistant manager. Now, it doesn't look like I'm going to get the promotion I have been working my butt off for because "I have such a busy social life". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By wtf mom - 07/04/2016 20:32 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, my mom asked me to massage her neck, as she had a long day at work and I have taken several massage classes. Naturally, I agreed. Shortly after I started, she started making very... orgasmic sounds, even calling me by my father's nickname (who looked at me weirdly). I am very disturbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

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The Top

Today, I visited my dad's grave to give it a clean, since moss and shit were starting to grow on the gravestone. Apparently this counts as vandalism, according to the groundskeeper, because soap and water can damage the stone and make it crumble faster. Yes, the city cops sent me a fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 280

You deserved it 138

Today, my loving five-year-old daughter started singing Christmas carols again. Ones that she made up herself, of course. Including "Walking in a fucking wonderland" and "Rudolph the red nosed asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 409

You deserved it 10 376

Today, I decided to be productive and clean behind my couch. I found dust, old receipts, and one sock I thought was stolen by the universe. When I stood up proudly, I smashed my head on the shelf above. I knocked down three picture frames. All shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 93

Nononononono...

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 73

Today, I met my boyfriend's dad. He was wearing a suit, and talks like Carson the butler from Downton Abbey. At first I thought he was putting on an act, like he was going to yell "Surprise!" at any moment and start acting normally. Nope. That’s actually how he is and it’s weirding me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 304

You deserved it 153

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 080

You deserved it 3 326