Nearly FMLs

By annabobbob - 08/04/2016 05:07 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my workaholic boyfriend finally had the day off. This makes him too busy for romance. When he exclaimed, "It's Thursday, time for sex!" I realized I get planned sex every other Thursday and should stop trying the rest of the time.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By ifuckedmymom - 08/04/2016 05:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out my mother is pregnant. Turns out a few nights back, at a family reunion, we both got so drunk we ended up having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 2

By anon - 08/04/2016 04:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend lost her virginity to a guy she met 3 days ago whom already had a girlfriend at a camp I was attending. The very same guy tries to molest and harass me after my friend leaves. I tell the authorities and somehow my friend blames me for "asking for it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 04:47 - United States - Alamo

Today I did a training for a medical assistant course and we had to perform pregnancy tests on our own pee. Today I also found out I was pregnant in a room of strangers.

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

By Olliecat - 08/04/2016 04:43 - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I discovered I'm allergic to bandaid glue. I have to wear one on my thumb for an indefinite about of time because of a wart in getting rid of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By FalloutScrolls - 08/04/2016 04:39 - United States

Today, at work, I found out the hard way that a thumb will always lose against a belt sander. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By WHY! - 08/04/2016 04:28 - United States - Henderson

Today, I was on this app when my parents thought I was asleep. Suddenly, an ad for a 2016 chevy popped up at full volume. Guess whos new 'bed time' is 7:30. Im 17. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By nepzking - 08/04/2016 04:24 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, some idiot stole my bag and ran off the train on my way to work. I had all the important work documents in the bag. What a way to start my Friday. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By anonymousbc - 08/04/2016 04:20 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my cat bit my earring off and ate it. Now she has to go get the needle removed from her throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By hatedatwork - 08/04/2016 04:18 - United States

Today, I found out that everyone I work with still hates me from an employee being stupid enough to get fired and blame me from 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By neverbeenbettier - 08/04/2016 04:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today my kids have been so demanding that I haven't had a moment to take care of myself or to even drink a glass of water. Now my baby is upset because my breasts are not producing milk due to dehydration. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By sluggo123 - 08/04/2016 04:14 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my mom dared me to put my dick in a jalapeno because apparently it's the same thing as a vagina. My penis still feels like its on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 4

By IHaveAHeadache - 08/04/2016 04:14 - United States - Belleville

Today, my brother, his friend, and my dad decided to work on the bathroom. They spent all day "working", and aren't half-done. They spent more time joking around than actually doing any work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By anon - 08/04/2016 04:11 - United States - Olney

Today, while at the grocery store, a child kept poking me with a banana that he had been using as a gun. When I asked him to stop, his mother yelled at me for abusing her child and I was banned from the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By TrickyDeath - 08/04/2016 04:08 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I warned a girl who was asked to prom with the gift of a bunny to relocate it, because I knew she wouldn't take care of him. I got vicious texts from her friends and family about how rude I was, before they abruptly stopped. She let the bunny get hit by a car, and people still hate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By bandeek - 08/04/2016 04:06 - United States - Douglasville

Today, I was informed I had at least 6 more weeks before I could even begin to put weight on my broken right leg. 3 weeks ago, when I broke it, I was told it would only be a 6-8 week recovery. I only have $100 left. I don't know what I'm going to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By neverbeenbettier - 08/04/2016 04:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, for some reason, my husband took the last pack of baby wipes to work with him and I have no cash to buy more. I have two kids in diapers and each crapped twice after he left.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By shit out of luck - 08/04/2016 03:57 - United States - Des Moines

Today, after waiting 2 months for my $1,000.00 reimbursement check from my dental care provider for my daughter's braces. I learned a check was not coming because I didn't check 1 specific box in the 20 plus page enrollment form when I enrolled for my company benefits.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Will - 08/04/2016 03:07 - United States - Reading

Today, I went to the barbershop I usually go to to cut my hair. I asked for a little off the top with a clipper. I ended up with a fucking buzz cut and now my head looks like an egg. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By alwaysaja - 08/04/2016 03:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my job called me telling me I was late for my shift of 9am-1:30pm. I have a picture of the schedule stating I'm off today and due in tomorrow. She didn't believe me and is going to have a talk with me tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By iSquirrel - 08/04/2016 02:58 - United States - Olympia

Today, we went to the beach. My chest, shoulders, and everything but the left side of my forehead is now a lovely shade of flaming lobster. I go back to school in a few days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By fml - 08/04/2016 02:57 - United States - Denver

So I was going through the "talking phase" with a guy. A couple days later he tells me, "I'm breaking up with you." He never even asked me out. I was dumped by someone I wasn't even dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By OriginalAuthor - 08/04/2016 02:31 - United States - Greenville

Today, while having a small argument with my mom over something I didn't do, she decides to say: "Since we're all being honest here, I didn't give birth to you!" and slams the door in my face. I don't know whether to take it seriously or not. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By LittleGina - 08/04/2016 02:31 - United States - Benson

Today, I didn't wear concealer and everyone I came in contact with thought I was sunburned because my cheeks are so red. When I got home, my roommate had bought me aloe gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 02:26 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, my husband convinced me to let my kitten outside for the first time. We've had him since he was 2 weeks old, so I was nervous. The neighbors dog attacked him within 5 minuets. He's okay, but I'm out $1200 in vet bills. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 02:23 - United States - Libertyville

Today, working the drive-thru of Starbucks, I handed this lady a paper bag that had her pastry and she drove off without her latte. 2 minutes later the woman pulls up to the window and proceeds to scream at me because "I forgot her latte". She thought I put the 190 degree latte in the paper bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By RichHomieDiablo - 08/04/2016 02:19 - United States - Georgetown

Today, in my chemistry class we took a test that I was sure everyone passed. After the test I said "You have to be a retard or something to fail that", the girl sitting next to me failed. I got slapped by a 110 pound white girl in front of the entire class. Even my teacher laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 3

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 02:17 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I felt inspired to get active. I went on a jog in the middle of nowhere, got stuck in the cold rain, had an asthma attack with no inhaler, slipped and hit my already-concussed head, broke my phone, and lost my car keys on the three mile trail all within an hour. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By tiredandmoretired - 08/04/2016 02:12 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my little brother in my new car, we were eating oranges and putting the peels on the console. We had been eating a lot of oranges, so my little brother decides to make more room for the peels by lifting the E-brake handle. We were going 70 mph in heavy traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By happenstoooften - 08/04/2016 01:56 - United States - Henderson

Today, I ordered food from a delivery service that I often use. Every experience in the past has been great but tonight I got hit on by the driver via text message after he had already dropped off my food and left. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 160

You deserved it 84 648

Today, I went to Home Depot with my boyfriend. There were a large number of men at the front of the store speaking Spanish. As we left, he ran back inside shouting, "LA MIGRA! LA MIGRA ESTA AQUI!" They screamed and ran in panic. I am dating a racist scumbag who thinks terrorizing minorities is funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 380

You deserved it 440

Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything. I replied, "Guess." He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently, I've been bitchy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 546

You deserved it 71 225

Today, I woke up to a quite frigid room, which wasn't out of the ordinary since my building's heat is broken. But I realized that the extra cold I was feeling was due to the snow piled up on my bed. It had snowed 20 inches last night. My mom had apparently opened my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 984

You deserved it 2 886

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 712

You deserved it 5 902

Today, whilst presenting a report to the head of my college, I was arrested by a police officer for assault. I was in a bar the night before and accidentally bumped into a local tough guy on the way to the toilet. I got punched in the face. The witnesses got our names mixed up. That'll look great on my CV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 689

You deserved it 2 975