Nearly FMLs

By Ashamed - 07/05/2016 13:49 - United States - South China

Today, while hanging out with a guy I really like, I told him I wanted to wait until we were dating to be intimate. He said that he wanted to make long distance work and asked me out. I was ecstatic. I then painfully lost my virginity to him. He dumped me as he was driving me back to my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60

You deserved it 7

By not amused - 07/05/2016 13:25 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got a new prescription for a blossoming skin infection, after I had an allergic reaction to the old antibiotic. I spent hours in the bathroom, with the power out, vomiting and having painful diarrhea... That was only the first pill for the next 7days... FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 9

By LittleMsNobody - 07/05/2016 12:41 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my supervisor shared an "amusing" trivia with me. She said that the reason why the term "secretary" is rarely used anymore is because it is seen as such a lowly term. Hence, secretaries are now referred to as "administrative assistants". Guess what my job title is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 10

By ElmoHughes - 07/05/2016 12:26 - United States

Today, one of my regulars that flirts with me almost daily got ahold of my number. This wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't almost 60 (I'm not even 20), and I had been the one to give it to her. I don't know how she got it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 4

By ElmoHughes - 07/05/2016 11:42 - United States

Today, at my gas station job, I forgot to change the sign after raising prices $.01. A lady came in screaming at me and demanded the difference after pumping 10 gallons. I gave her a dime out of my back pocket. She then called corporate, and I was written up for my "snarky attitude." FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 10

By sleeplessinseattle - 07/05/2016 11:40 - United States - Toledo

Today, my neighbors decided to play a game where they turn on their car alarms until someone looks outside. This went on for 3 hours. I was trying to sleep since I work 3rd shift..... FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 5

By Fuglybetty - 07/05/2016 11:34 - Norway - Oslo

Today, i got to know my new job assignment as a gardener, i am to restore the garden of an old mansion over the span of a month, I also discovered it is the place where my overly attached ex also lives. I already signed up for it and i'l lose my job if i don't do it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 7

By anonymous - 07/05/2016 11:28 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I just got back from a trip down south. I've been up all night with exploding diarrhea, raging menstrual cramps and a urinary tract infection, sending horrible convulsing cramps through pretty much every individual organ in my lower abdomen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 5

By jameen - 07/05/2016 11:24 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, after a long day at work, I was brushing my teeth before bed. I thought the toothpaste tasted off but continued to brush anyway. It wasn't until after I had finished, I realised I had brushed my teeth with 'Vagasil'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 7

By Thanks - 07/05/2016 10:44 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I realised that the reason I've had to replace my £80 perfume every month or so, is because my mom has been using it as an air freshener every time she's took a dump. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 5

By Long Time Schmuck - 07/05/2016 10:22 - United States - Florence

Today my best friend of 35 years is no longer allowed to talk to me because I'm the only one who believes her side of the story. Her jealous wife made it one of her rules for them getting back together and because there's kids, my friend agreed. I'm married, straight and live 500 miles away. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 7

By windowframe - 07/05/2016 10:20 - United Kingdom - Kingswinford

Today, I decided to try my new acrylic fake nail set, I couldn't squeeze out the glue from the tube with my hands so I tried with my teeth. The tube exploded and glue went all over my hands and up my nose. I tried to remove the glue from my nose using nail varnish remover and had to go to A&E FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 5

By Syntax58 - 07/05/2016 09:55 - Australia

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room at hospital with a split-open head, why you ask? Because I was sitting on the toilet catching up on fml's for so long that my leg fell asleep, when I stood up I found this out as I smashed my head on the vanity sink... FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 6

By KGoose87 - 07/05/2016 09:44 - United States - Roscoe

Today my 15 month old has a fever of 102.5, my husband has had the flu for days, and my 3 year old just got over being sick. Sickness is imminent, everyone is miserable, and I'm the only one who isn't asleep right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 4

By DepressedandStre - 07/05/2016 09:04 - United States

Today, after weeks of my mom telling me to get out more often I went and hung out with my best friend. The entire time k was gone I got continuous "when are you gonna be home texts." Now I'm grounded for staying out too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 8

By nothanks - 07/05/2016 08:58 - United States - Atchison

Today, since my parents are on their anniversary trip, I went to a friend's house along with several other people. We decided to play Cards Against Humanity. One of the cards says "the primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now". I can't get the mental picture out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 4

By KateHasAFace - 07/05/2016 08:45 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I was at school and there's this unisex bathroom with 1 stall. I was using the toilet and a boy peeked through the crack (I'm female) we made solid eye contact for about 15 seconds and when I came out he was just waiting there staring at me, never said a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

By SleeplessInSeattle - 07/05/2016 08:43 - United States - Issaquah

Today, it is 27 days until I move out of my narcissistic mother-in-laws house. At 1am, she was yelling at her husband in front of my door. I woke up and asked her to keep it down. She said "Quit being a little bitch. It's my house, deal with it." She yells at me when I walk at night. 27 days. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

By Trixii - 07/05/2016 08:28 - United States - Dearborn

Today I woke up and couldn't walk. Apparently I pulled my groin from twerking at the bar the previous night. I can't even dance. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 6

By ManChild - 07/05/2016 07:20 - Canada - Duncan

Today, when I got home from work, my dog greeted me like she does every day---super excited, waggy tail, jumps up on me with lots of licks to my face. As my wife passed by me in the hallway, she paused---horror written on her face---and said "You should probably know she just ate her own poo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 42

By Br0k3nch4r4ct3r - 07/05/2016 04:28 - United States - New York

Today, in a flurry of job applications, I accidentally mixed up several cover letters. I am sure AMD is thrilled to hear "I can bring great dedication to the Intel team." FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 40

By Apple bottom jeans - 07/05/2016 01:29 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I was in a rush to get ready and as I was pulling my jeans up, the nail of my big toe got caught and ripped off. I fainted after seeing my toe FML.

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 51

By lilpoohead - 07/05/2016 00:51 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that all the my karma originates all the way back to the time I drunkenly made fun of a man on omegle for having a penis the size of a baby carrot and grapes for balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 274

You deserved it 63

By ambitiousnerd - 07/05/2016 00:46 - United States - Levittown

Today, I was standing on a bus when I passed out and hit my head on the seat in front of me. No one bothered to help me or ask if I was ok. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 316

You deserved it 22

By mylsux - 07/05/2016 00:22 - United States - Andover

Today, while I was out at a restaurant, I realized how short I really was. I was given a kids menu and a sippie cup. I'm in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 331

You deserved it 28

By ilikecheesefries - 07/05/2016 00:20 - United States - Scranton

Today, it's been a year since my husband and I last had sex. People say it's normal to have sex less when you've been married for a long time. We just celebrated our one year anniversary two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 28

By HylianBadger - 06/05/2016 23:32 - United States

Today, I picked up my puppy from my mother in law's house. She had forgotten his name over the weekend, so she just called him Dipshit the whole time. He won't answer to anything else now. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 106

By I was in the library - 06/05/2016 23:03 - United States - Olney

Today, my college was put on lockdown because some nut job decided to go on shooting spree near my campus. I have 3 finals on Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 66

By fuckaccounts - 06/05/2016 23:02 - Mexico - Guadalajara

Today, I just messed the bank accounts of the manager and one of the sales employees, and paid the last one at least three times his salary. I´m trying to reach him and tell him to give back the money...and he´s not answering his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 91

By mylonius - 06/05/2016 22:59 - United States - Fergus Falls

Today, my family accused me of being anorexic. The reason? I didn't want them to get me anything from Arby's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 55

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my friends told me they have been able to see all my BDSM likes in their Facebook feeds. My family and coworkers also follow me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 548

You deserved it 18 925

Today, I was going through my Facebook feed when I saw a post of a man being wheeled to the emergency room with a spider stuck in their ear. The post has me scared enough to want to sleep with earplugs. I'm a 37 year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 146

Today, my boyfriend mansplained to me that because Loki likes both boys and girls, he’s bi, not gay. I’m bi, and my boyfriend knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 267

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 247

You deserved it 397

Today, I was at a party, and a cute girl in a skirt sat on my lap. We were flirting and I unfortunately got hard. She then stood up and yelled, "Are you getting hard? EW!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 146

Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 057

You deserved it 46 771