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Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

#15689615
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17827) - you deserved it (75035)

On 04/08/2011 at 1:24am - intimacy - by failure -

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

#880527
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17822) - you deserved it (68471)

On 04/09/2009 at 1:04am - love - by skmusic (man) - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

#7923613
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17821) - you deserved it (5064)

On 02/06/2010 at 12:31am - intimacy - by Isabell (woman) - Australia

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

#1125126
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17820) - you deserved it (55635)

On 04/19/2009 at 5:52pm - work - by Crunchy (woman) - United States (California)

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

#19827444
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17817) - you deserved it (3671)

On 06/22/2012 at 2:02am - misc - by Username (woman) - United States

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

#16074104
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17816) - you deserved it (40328)

On 05/07/2011 at 12:46am - love - by littlegirl - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

#3604059
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17811) - you deserved it (56711)

On 07/09/2009 at 3:35am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) -

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

#20060408
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17810) - you deserved it (4020)

On 09/06/2012 at 12:51pm - work - by SummerJob (woman) -

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

#1663
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17803) - you deserved it (2826)

On 01/18/2009 at 8:01pm - misc - by frankie - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

#17457165
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17802) - you deserved it (32166)

On 08/13/2011 at 2:51am - kids - by brittbrat4 - United States (Florida)

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

#1582380
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17801) - you deserved it (43757)

On 05/03/2009 at 1:35am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

#145421
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17797) - you deserved it (50090)

On 02/26/2009 at 6:21pm - misc - by Stixchop (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

#10748926
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17797) - you deserved it (52037)

On 05/25/2010 at 1:18am - intimacy - by laurenraeee - United States (Utah)



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