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Today, my husband and I went to my overbearing mom's 57th birthday party. He opened his gift in front of her and said smugly, "The makeup's for your face, and the prayer book's for the fat rolls." Any hope of family peace is now lost. FML

by bad blood, no shit / 12/02/2011 at 8:35pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

by tannarox / 01/28/2012 at 10:46am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

by bianca131 / 11/09/2015 at 10:42pm / Australia / Intimacy

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2012 at 12:03am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

by seadrick / 06/06/2015 at 12:19pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Animals

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

by likecomeon / 11/02/2015 at 10:55pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

by impatient amy / 01/27/2009 at 9:23am / Ireland (Dublin) / Love

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

by Coccinelle / 02/05/2016 at 11:36am / France / Work

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2015 at 6:50pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, my satan-spawn of a step-son proudly showed that he can pee accurately while standing up. I'd be less livid if he hadn't pissed on me while I was asleep in bed. FML

by Wlanla / 08/02/2015 at 7:39am / Romania (Bacau) / Kids

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

by OptMouse / 04/14/2015 at 7:50am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Work

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2009 at 10:23am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2010 at 10:20am / United States / Work