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Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

by erin1985 / 02/21/2010 at 7:31pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

by tannarox / 01/28/2012 at 10:46am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

by crazybitch / 06/18/2012 at 12:57am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

by seadrick / 06/06/2015 at 12:19pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Animals

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

by Chandler / 09/16/2011 at 3:26pm / United States / Kids

Today, I was in my Honors English class. I sneezed very loudly while my teacher was giving a lecture. I had the genius idea to say, "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." FML

by Catuser / 03/05/2014 at 10:09pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

by likecomeon / 11/02/2015 at 10:55pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my satan-spawn of a step-son proudly showed that he can pee accurately while standing up. I'd be less livid if he hadn't pissed on me while I was asleep in bed. FML

by Wlanla / 08/02/2015 at 7:39am / Romania (Bacau) / Kids

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2009 at 10:23am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my cat who's been missing for three days, sitting inside my neighbor's window. He won't answer the door. FML

by JordanAfml / 09/03/2015 at 5:14pm / United States (Arizona) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

by jenA / 08/21/2012 at 9:04am / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2010 at 10:20am / United States / Work

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2009 at 12:13am / United States (Texas) / Kids