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Friday 26 July 2013

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Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2013 at 9:10pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was finally asked out on a date after a year of being single. Turns out he got the wrong number. FML

by foreveralone / 07/23/2013 at 5:51am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

by TheSacredTeddyBear / 07/30/2013 at 11:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

by Anonymous / 07/26/2013 at 3:06am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son told his 8-year-old sister that since she swallowed an apple seed, that a tree is going to grow in her stomach and kill her. She's inconsolable and won't believe that she'll be fine, because "they say that to all the dying people on TV". FML

by ulisha5 / 08/02/2013 at 5:54pm / Bulgaria (Burgas) / Kids

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

by hangman / 08/01/2013 at 2:25pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML

by fuckoffgran / 08/01/2013 at 10:46am / Ireland / Miscellaneous

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

by good_aim / 07/27/2013 at 4:03am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had to help my constipated dog by squeezing crap out of her butt. This is a daily occurrence. FML

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

by trees / 07/24/2013 at 12:44pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Money

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

by JealousBratMuch / 07/25/2013 at 8:51pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

by FUCK / 07/22/2013 at 2:29pm / United States (Illinois) / Work