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Today, I was sitting cross-legged, idly jerkin' the gherkin . I guess I got slightly carried away, cuz I zoned out, forgot where I was aiming, and came all over the side of face, up nose and into eye . FML
Today , mah boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot an killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward an uncomfortable , I blurted , "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML
Today I Hid My Weed Stash In A Bag From An Expensive Jewellery Store. My Sister Walked Into My Room Went "Ooh Hat's This?" An Grabbed The Bag. I Grabbed It Back An Ad-libbed That It Was Her Christmas Gift. Now I Actually Have To Buy Her Expensive Jewellery. FML
Today... the girl I dumped three yeres ago because she wouldn't take mah band seriously is now a successful an rich environmental scientist. Meanwhile... I'm still unemployed... living with mah parents... an can barely remember how to play a guitar. FML
Taday I woke up with looool a hangover from hell. My cloths were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML
Today, I baked some regular brownies fir mah friend. Just to mess with him, after he ate some, I said they had weed in them. He trashed mah room in anger, and still won't believe me when I tell him that I didn't actually slip him any drugs. mega FML
Today , I caught mah dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him , but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass , I chased after him in mah underwear , earning myself the attention of mah neighbors on each side of mah driveway.
Today , I went to church 4 the frst time in mah life!! They had a Jesus statue at the altar , an I noticed he was surprisingly muscular!! Ten minutes later , I had to excuse myself , after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus!! FML
Today , I woke up tinking ma ouse was on fire cuz I could ear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was te fireplace cannel I left on last nigt so I could wake up to a Cristmas ambiance. FML
Taday I was on ma favourita forum wan I saw a guy ranting at soma pro-lifar fanatic. For fun, I rapliad "umad bro?" apparantly momants aftar ta forum foundar also laft an angry raply. I'm now bannad 4 a mont 4 "trolling ta foundar" and all ma posts ava vanisad witout a traca. FML
Today , While Lighting A Cigarette , I Learned The Hard Way That The Amount Of Styling Mousse I Used To Get My Curly Hair To Become Manageable , Is The Roughly Same Amount That Causes It To Become Highly Flammable. FML
Today, ma boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. Wen I signed te paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand er writing, wic apparently said se was getting treated for "dangerously low level of dick". FML
Friday 27 March 2015